"It's only for a week, Mike," retorted Rachel as she wheeled her luggage out the door. She wasn't making the slightest effort to placate me.
I had been pushing Rachel pretty hard to forego her seminar and take a short vacation with me, but to no avail. She insisted that her chances for advancement in the insurance company where she worked would increase almost exponentially if she attended the week-long seminar in Boston.
I was equally insistent that she didn't need a promotion so badly that she had to give up so much of our family time. We'd been married for 22 years. Both of our kids were in college now and I wanted my wife to spend more time with me and less at her work. A couple of weeks ago, Rachel was scheduled for a week's vacation from work, but now she was on her way to a goddamn seminar about who-knows-what.
She didn't see things as clearly as I did. Her company had made a practice of dangling possible promotions in front of employees if they just worked a little harder, a little longer and a slight bit better than their competition for the promotion. I had first pointed the practice out over ten years ago, but she simply couldn't see the situation as well as I understood it.
Rachel had managed to get two promotions in those ten years. I was convinced that they were more like "participation trophies." Show up at work long enough and they'll give out a new title or office, but damned little was reflected in her salary.
When I suggested that she should look for a new job a few years back, she had a conniption. "I've got a lot of time, effort and training in my job. I'm moving up the ladder. A new job would mean starting all over again. Sometimes I get the impression that you're jealous of my success."
The fact that I was an engineer pulling down more than double her pay meant nothing in her world. I was a member of "the good old boys' club" and was paid so well because of my gender, not because of my contributions to my company's success. The funny thing is that Rachel did our tax returns. She had to see the differences in our earnings.
I knew that Rachel was the queen of denial even before we were married. Sadly, I had never fully determined just how deep and swift that river actually flowed, at least not until she refused to admit that her employers were taking advantage of her hard work and dedication. I had no doubt that some recently hired employees were getting paid every bit as much as Rachel, but I knew the very mention of that possibility would go against her reality.
It saddened me as I contemplated my marriage. The last time Rachel and I had actual sex was the day before Christmas and it was now June. I was 44 years old, in relatively good shape and with a healthy libido.
A thought suddenly hatched in my head. Zelda Zane had mentioned it a couple weeks prior, but it hadn't fully registered. I really didn't have a marriage. I was essentially living the life of a monk sharing an occasional meal with a frigid nun. Why the fuck was I putting up with it? Pleasing Rachel was almost impossible. When had she taken my balls, and why hadn't I even noticed?
I thought about that for a while. I concluded that I had to find my balls, and even more importantly, put them to good use. I fished my phone out of my pocket and perused my contact list. It took a minute, but Zelda Zane's name and number appeared. I chuckled to myself as I realized all I had to do was go to the end of my list. What names could possibly come after Zelda Zane? Zeus? Zorro?
Zelda answered her phone on the second ring. "Mike?"
Zelda and I had spent some time together at a mutual neighbor's Memorial Day cookout. We both had a little too much to drink. That caused us to reveal personal issues we would normally have kept to ourselves. For some reason, but not surprisingly, Rachel was working on the holiday. I was unattached at the party and Zelda didn't take long to notice. She had always acted as if she liked Rachel more than she liked me, but she was surprisingly friendly when Rachel wasn't around to protect her interests.
"Isn't Rachel here today, Mike?" Zelda asked. "She's nuts to let a good looking husband like you go to a party alone. A lot of these desperate bitches will be trying to get into your pants."
"I don't seem to be having any trouble keeping them at bay," I replied with a chuckle. "A piece of ass and a bicycle ride would probably put me in the hospital. I've been in a dry spell and things aren't looking too promising for the near future."
"By dry spell, do you mean a few weeks?" Zelda practically whispered in my ear.
"How many weeks has it been since Christmas?" I asked as I began doing the math in my head.
"Holy shit! That's like over twenty weeks," Zelda exclaimed a little too loudly to suit me. "You must be ready to explode, even if you've been handling things on your own, so to speak."
"I'm not looking for sympathy," I quickly pointed out. "You asked so I told you. Please don't make more out of it than it is. I should have kept my mouth shut. It isn't something to brag about, I never heard of a married man wanting to set a record for celibacy."
"You poor guy! Why don't we go over to my place and resolve this situation to our mutual benefit?" Zelda offered.
"Haha. That's a good one but it's probably better that you don't make jokes like that," I replied. "It would be your fault if I grabbed you and dragged you into the bushes over there."
"Start dragging," Zelda retorted as she offered her hand for me to take.
"You say that now, but you'd have a different story when the police showed up and dragged my ass off to jail," I predicted.
"Would the cops get here before or after you took me to Nirvana?" Zelda quizzed.
"I hope you're kidding. I'd have you reduced to a quivering mass of protoplasm long before they tossed me into the slammer," I boasted.
"That wouldn't take very long," Zelda replied. "You've managed to get me half way there just by suggesting it. Why don't we go to my place so we can avoid the police, nosey neighbors and grass stains on our knees?"
It suddenly occurred to me that Zelda might be serious. Had I unknowingly talked my way into a possible marriage ending liaison?
"Zelda, I didn't mean to mislead you. I'm sorry if I did," I apologized. "I'm a married man. I took vows and I meant them. You're a lovely woman, but I'm not looking to have an affair or anything like that."
"Mike, you aren't married. You have no wife. You've got some dried up shrew doing her best to ruin what should be the best years of your life. That's not what a real wife does. It sure isn't love. She's not treating you like you deserve.
"Your loyalty is admirable and its one of the things I like about you, but it's misplaced," Zelda reasoned. "When my husband was alive, I tried to be available to him whenever he wanted me. I was so glad I did that. He got sick and died so quickly, I wouldn't have had time to make up for any lack of affection between us. I hate that he died, but I don't have any regrets about our life together. I seriously doubt that you can say the same."
My interaction with Zelda was still fresh in my mind almost two weeks later. She was right. I didn't really have a wife or a marriage any more. I had my right hand and more than a few evenings dining alone. That wasn't how marriages were supposed to work.
Once Zelda answered her phone, I became tongue tied. "Hi, Zelda. I was wondering if things are okay with you. How's your garden?"
Where the hell did that question come from? I should have planned out my conversation before I made the call. She'd never be able to determine what I really called about. I was too much of a chicken shit to ask her if she still wanted to get laid.
"Mike, are you calling because you want to have sex with me?" Zelda asked without any preliminaries.
How could she tell when I only asked about her garden? Was she serious or just making fun of me? I knew that I had to proceed carefully so I didn't offend her.
"I was just thinking. Rachel is going to be gone for a week and I..."
"Get your ass over to my place. The door will be unlocked. I'll be on my knees and naked," Zelda promised.
"I didn't want to assume that you would want me to come over if you were busy, or had company, or wanted to watch baseball, or..."
"Mike, shut the hell up and get over here. I'm hanging up now so I can get ready. This is great!"
As I pocketed my phone, I mulled over Zelda's invitation. It seemed straight forward enough. I couldn't come up with a reason to think she didn't really want me to go to her place.
After 22 years of marriage, hearing a woman telling me she'd be waiting for me on her knees was hard to believe, but that slim possibility left me no option. I grabbed my keys and headed for the door.
Unsure of how to proceed once I made the five minute drive to Zelda's place, I somewhat timidly knocked on her door. I was surprised to see the door open immediately. A fully clothed Zelda greeted me with a chaste hug and an obvious smirk.
"You didn't really think I'd be naked and on my knees, did you, Mike? I was teasing you to see how long it would take you to get here. You made it in less than five minutes. I'm impressed. Usually the light on Hickory Street stays red forever."
"Well, there wasn't any other traffic, so I..."
"You ran the red light? You really must be horny. I'm flattered, or would you have done the same thing if Mrs. Drysdale had made the same promise?"
"I have to admit she's pretty well preserved and probably has a lot of experience since she's almost 90 years old. I can't say if I would have declined if she had given me the same promise. It's been quite a while since I've enjoyed carnal knowledge," I admitted.
"That statement indicates that either you don't usually enjoy sex or that you haven't had it recently?" Zelda teased.
"You told me on the phone that Rachel is going to be gone for a week," Zelda continued. "Don't worry about me reneging on my promise, but I thought it would be nice if we sat down with a cold drink and discussed what our goals and hopes might be with your visit."
"Honestly, I didn't know what to expect. I suppose I left my house hoping for a great blowjob. I know that's presumptuous of me, but you kind of led me on over the phone," I answered honestly. "I've been giving our last conversation a lot of thought and I finally decided that I had enough of Rachel's shit."
"I'm not telling you that a blowjob is off the table, but it isn't a lead pipe cinch, either," Zelda responded with a grin. "Are you expecting to have a clandestine affair with me and simply go back to Rachel when she returns from wherever she's gone?"
"Truthfully, I don't. Normally, I call her around eight when she's away, but I'm not calling her tonight. We had tentatively planned a getaway this week to Kentucky. She was scheduled for a week's vacation from her work and I had no trouble getting this week off," I stated. "Three days ago, Rachel told me that she had to go to a seminar in Boston for the entire week.
"I tried to talk her out of it. I had made some reservations, although nothing special was planned. That isn't the point. She's pretty much ignored me for most of the past year. She keeps spending more time at work and less time at home. Sex isn't on the table anymore. We hardly have a simple discussion. She's either on her lap top or her phone when she's at home."
"If we sleep together, are you going to tell her?" Zelda asked. "Are you going to give her a chance to mend her fences first? Are you thinking about a divorce?"
"This is a no fault state, so it doesn't matter which spouse wants to leave the marriage or who screwed it up. The kids are in college and that's been covered by a program that allowed us to place money into a fund for their college as long as they went to a state school. We have no mortgage. We can sell the house and split the money. I may have to pay her some support, but it'll be worth it."
"It sounds like you've been giving some serious thought to a divorce. Do you still love her?"
"The quick answer is that I don't love the Rachel I'm married to now," I admitted. "I miss the Rachel who I married those many years ago, but I've had more than enough of the woman she is today. I'm going for a divorce regardless of what you and I do tonight. Are you concerned about being mentioned in a divorce petition?"
"It doesn't matter much to me," Zelda responded. "I've been a widow for three years, so it shouldn't surprise everyone if I get back in the game. I just don't want to be a home wrecker, but it looks like you think Rachel's already done that.
"I need to tell you that I'm not looking for a long term relationship," Zelda stressed. "I want to be wined and dined, go out on dates with different charming men and travel. Essentially, I'm done grieving and want to experience life while I'm still young enough to do it. I don't want you to leave Rachel with the expectation that we'll have something permanent going."
"That's a relief. I don't want to rush into another commitment any time soon," I agreed. "I've seen too many people leave a bad relationship only to immediately enter into another one equally bad, or even worse. I'll probably try to visit my kids a little more often. Maybe I'll take up some new hobbies, like golfing and boating.
"I feel like I've completely wasted the last year or so. Rachel probably won't even notice that I'm gone from her life since I've become such a small part of it," I reasoned.
I found Zelda very easy to talk to and that's what I did for the next two hours. She was a patient listener, interrupting me only to clarify some statement or observation I made about Rachel. She was quite interested when I mentioned my family tree.
She was both surprised and impressed to learn that I was a direct descendant of Henry Clay of Kentucky. He had been a senator, Speaker of the House and served as Secretary of State.
I was finally talked out, but I found that stating my thoughts and feelings about my marriage had allowed me to come to a decision. I was very unhappy in my marriage. It was on life support and it was time for me to pull the plug.
"Thanks for listening to my problems. It really helped me clear my head and decide on a course of action," I stated as I gave Zelda a gentle hug at the door.
"I'm glad you came over. I'm also glad you weren't upset that I wasn't naked and on my knees. I just tossed that out to see how troubled you were and how soon you'd respond. You were fast, very fast."
"It's kind of embarrassing now that I think about it. In my defense, you're a very attractive woman and I haven't had much female companionship lately. I appreciate that you took pity on me and allowed me to share my tale of woe."
"You go home and think about what you really want, Mike. We still have most of the week left," Zelda noted. "I've told you that I want a 'friends with benefits' type of relationship with an intelligent and discreet man or two. I don't want to be some dirty secret you have to keep."
"I totally agree, Zelda. If I want to stay married, I won't be stepping out on my marriage. I have to admit I'm leaning toward no longer living like a married single man, if that makes any sense. Maybe I should have said a single married man?"
"Mike, you're living like a goddamn monk, not like any normal married or single man would live," Zelda declared. "Unless you're enjoying it, change it. Either lay down the law and make her your actual wife or use divorce law to get rid of her."
I called Zelda Tuesday afternoon. "I saw a divorce attorney today. He thought I sounded like a man ready to get divorced and start fresh."
"No shit, Mike," Zelda deadpanned. "I wonder how he makes a living. That's a pretty incredible observation from a divorce lawyer, wouldn't you say?"
"Okay, no need to be sarcastic," I replied with a chuckle. "He's my mother's first cousin and I've known him my entire life. I trust the guy. He listened to my litany of complaints, shook his head a few times and finally called me a 'dumb ass' for staying with Rachel for so long.
"He's drawing up divorce papers for me. He promised that I could pick them up tomorrow afternoon. I'll serve them to Rachel when she gets home. I can hardly wait."
"Just when is Rachel going to get home?" Zelda quizzed. "I don't think I want to be anywhere in the area when this all goes down."
"I'm not really sure. I haven't spoken to her since she left and I wasn't listening to the details of her itinerary because I was so pissed at her for leaving. My guess would be next Friday or Saturday, since the seminar would most likely end on Friday," I reasoned. "She left on Sunday, so Saturday would make it the full week she mentioned several times."
"That's some marriage you've got going for yourself, Mike. Your wife is gone to Boston, but you're not clear as to why, for how long, or if she's even really in Boston."
"Yeah, my lawyer mentioned the lack of detail I had regarding Rachel's plans, too. He thought it indicated that I wasn't very interested in Rachel or her career. It made me feel like a pretty pathetic husband. I'm willing to remedy the lack of interest I have for my wife's situation. I'm going to jettison the frigid bitch."
"It sounds like you've finally reached a decision, Mike. Why don't we go out to dinner tomorrow evening and celebrate that you're finally being reunited with your balls," Zelda suggested.
Wednesday was a landmark day for me. I picked up divorce papers to serve Rachel, enjoyed my first ever Taco de birria and got laid for the first time in six months.
Zelda was an eye-opener for me. She had invited me in for a drink after our dinner at Taco Bell. I used my entire bag of tricks on her and she responded like a wildcat. I was almost tempted to munch on her little kitty, but I didn't know where it had been or who had recently been in it, regardless of her claim that it's been three years since she had sex.
I did enjoy a world class blowjob from Zelda. I took her in my three favorite positions, and did she respond! She appeared to be surprised that I was able to cum three times in the hour and half we spent together. I surmised that her late husband had been a little slow on the trigger, as well as reloading. With a woman like Zelda, he should have had no trouble dropping a few rounds into her every night.
I called Zelda again Thursday. "I'm recharged and ready to go. Would you like to have dinner with me tonight before getting your bell rung?"
"I'm so sorry, Mike. My sister is coming for a visit and she'll be arriving here any minute. Can I get a rain check?"
"I understand. How about Friday night? You'll be pretty needy by then. My cock's standing at attention just thinking about that sweet pussy of yours."
"Why do you think my pussy is sweet, Mike. You never even tasted it," Zelda replied in what almost seemed like a complaint.
"That's an expression, Zelda. Of course your pussy isn't actually sweet, especially after all the cum I dumped into it last night. The feeling it gives my dick when it's buried to my balls inside you is the sweet part. You already know that," I complimented.
"My sister will still be here Friday night. She's staying with me for two weeks, so pencil some other lucky woman into your schedule for the foreseeable future," Zelda replied before disconnecting the call.
I was watching porn and playing with my cock Friday evening when Rachel suddenly appeared in the bedroom doorway. On the spur of the moment, I decided to give her one last chance.
"Hey, Babe! It's good to have you home. You're in luck. My cock is out and almost hard. Why don't give it a little lip service and then climb on that bad boy?"
"That's such a tempting offer, Mike. It's difficult to refuse, or should I say semi-hard to refuse? There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to rip the band aid off. I'm divorcing you, Mike."
"What? Why? Has that lying bitch, Zelda, been telling you bullshit stories? She wouldn't take no for an answer. She really isn't your friend, Rachel. She pretty much stabbed you in the back for a chance at my cock."
"Mike, please listen to me for once," Rachel insisted. "I want you to hear and understand why I'm divorcing you. Try to understand the words that will be coming out of my mouth."
"Me understand? You're the one who's in denial. If we get divorced, I'll do everything possible to avoid paying you a penny of alimony. You'll have to survive on the few bucks you bring home from that shit job of yours. Remember that I'm the engineer in this marriage."
"Mike, you're what's called a sanitation engineer by your company. That isn't really an engineer. It's a term your employer uses to make you and the other guys feel better about your jobs.
"This week was a big one for me. I was promoted again. I'm now the regional manager for All Farm State Insurance. My salary was bumped up again, so I'll be making in the mid six figures. I've decided to take full control of my life. That includes divorcing you."
"You've been planning this for a long time. That's why we haven't been having sex. You've been trying to wean yourself off my cock," I suddenly realized.
"Mike, you're still delusional. Your 'magic cock' and your obsession with it are sure indicators of a narcissistic personality. You never talk about anything but yourself and your strange personal preferences. You suffer from a premature ejaculation issue. You're selfish and self-absorbed between the sheets. That's why I've been avoiding sex with you. It's really a terrible experience."
"Yeah? Ask your former friend, Zelda, her impressions of my sexual prowess. She isn't some dried up old cunt like you. She loves to fuck and she especially loves how I fuck her," I proclaimed proudly.
"Mike, she's my best friend. I asked her if I was being unreasonable in the expectations I have for a husband. She agreed to sleep with you so she could form an honest, unbiased opinion."
"I bet she's glad she did," I replied with a grin. "I came in her three times Wednesday night. I practically own her ass."
"Zelda told me that you came three times. What you neglected to mention and probably didn't even realize is this. Zelda never had a single orgasm. She never even got close.
"She said you spent over two hours talking to her about your family tree and genealogy. Zelda said it has to be the most boring discussion she ever took part in. I know her pain."
"What made you decide to divorce me after all these years?" I asked. "We have two kids together. Why would you want to end a good thing?"
It had occurred to me that divorcing Rachel would leave me in a bad place. I barely made enough money to live on, let alone in the style I enjoyed. I determined that she was running down my skills between the sheets in an attempt to shake my confidence. Because she had no sex drive didn't mean I should go without.
I decided to convince her I could live without sex as long as she was at my side. She took a lot of pride in having me as her husband. She'd never give me up if she could keep me.
"Rachel, I understand that you never really enjoyed sex. That's okay. I can live with it. As long as we're together, I'll be happy."
"Sex with you was never very good. That's true," admitted Rachel. "However, I found out that it can be quite enjoyable when I'm with a man who knows what he's doing."
"You cheated on me, Rachel? You're a slut after all? I'll use your cheating as grounds for the divorce. You'll be supporting me the rest of my life."
"Mike, you know better. You even admitted to Zelda that we're in a no-fault state. That and the fact that you have no proof of any infidelity on my part will render that argument moot. Besides I waited until Zelda told me that you banged her before I took Tim Roberts for a test drive," Rachel replied with an evil grin. "Technically, you cheated first."
"I never wanted it to turn out like this," I whined. "I wish that you hadn't gone to Boston. I had a great vacation mapped out for us. You would have loved it. None of this mess would have happened."
"To be honest, Mike, your vacation plans are what finally convinced me to seek a divorce. Visiting cemeteries and grave yards in every zip code in Kentucky really isn't a vacation. It's more like Dante's Inferno."
