Update 11
Discovering Mum Ch. 06
We opened the front door and immediately realised that most of the house was in darkness. It felt like sneaking home at two in the morning, yet it was only about eight in the evening. There was a quiet murmur from the television and a flickering blue light coming from the lounge room.
We turned towards it and stepped into the lounge. Chilton was sitting on the couch watching TV in the mostly darkened room. He looked up at us as we entered the room.
"Hi, guys. Did you have a good time?"
Mum had quite a glint in her eye and a small smirk as she nodded.
"Yeah, it was nice to sit at the beach and have fish and chips. It makes me feel at home as much as anything ever has. I feel like I have finally returned to my childhood home in some ways."
He nodded along and smiled.
"It's funny how a certain food can do that. I always think of my mother's cooking when I think of home. I miss it a lot, my home and my mother. Well, home before England anyway."
"So where does your family come from originally?"
"Originally, we were from a rather poor place just to the west of Kingston in Jamaica. It was rough there, and my parents wanted to be free of poverty and desperation. As kids we didn't really see it; it just was what it was and was completely normal to my brother and me. Looking back on it as an adult, though, I can see why they wanted out.
The company my father worked for eventually offered him a position alongside a number of his co-workers, which meant moving to England. To my parents, it was like they had won the lottery. When we sailed out of Kingston, it was like we were on a great adventure. It was an incredible experience for my brother and me as we ran amok on the ship for a couple of weeks. We were told stories of the English countryside we would be able to run around in, the education we would get, and the money our family would have. We were promised riches beyond anything we had had at home, and the excitement that we all felt only grew as we got closer."
There was a long pause as his face became sad with the memory.
"It was, of course, all a lie. We basically exchanged a street-level slum for a high-rise one. Our new English home was a two-bedroom London council flat. The gangs of Kingston were exchanged for the same group of thugs in London. Different faces, different accents, same bullshit. We were there for about two years before my father was badly injured in an industrial accident in the factory he worked in. Unfortunately, he never recovered. He lingered in the hospital, attached to machines, for about a month before he eventually passed away from his injuries.
I guess we were lucky that we weren't left destitute as the company kept their promise and allowed us to continue to live in the flat. I believe it was their way of assuaging their guilt and trying to prevent a lawsuit, but sadly my mother only ever saw it as benevolence and kindness. She has refused to leave there ever since."
My mother smiled sadly and nodded.
"We share a similar story."
Chilton nodded.
"Yes, Liz has told me about your father, but I would like to hear your perspective on your childhood."
She looked around the room as though looking at the ghosts of her past, and a smile eased across her face. She began to tell him stories of her childhood. Many of these stories I had heard before, but there were some that I hadn't. It was interesting to get even more insight into her life when she was younger. It was one more of the many ways I felt like I was discovering a completely new person today: a woman who was a child, a teenager, a daughter, a woman, but most importantly, so much more than a mother and wife.
She had had a good childhood with loving parents and the freedom to explore her world. Not all of the stories she told were happy ones, though, including the story of how her father passed away. I felt bad because I had never really talked to her much about it. I knew it had been a car accident, but I didn't know any of the details.
"I was fourteen when it happened. I had come home from school; Mum was here, and Dad was running late. I knew Mum was worried, but she didn't say anything. This was way before mobile phones or anything, so it's not like she could call him. Dad was rarely late home, and it was over an hour after he was due home when the police knocked on the door. I don't really remember the details much after that other than a lot of crying, and my granny, Liz's mum, and Mum's sister came around. They're both gone now too."
There was another long silence before she spoke again.
"A truck went through a set of traffic lights at speed. The driver managed to swerve to miss the cars stopped at the lights but not enough to avoid ploughing straight into the side of Dad's car as he had just taken off from the other side of the intersection. The driver of the truck had gone way over his hours on the road, and the truck itself had faulty brakes because the company that ran them demanded they be running all the time. Servicing got overlooked because it meant they wouldn't be on the road making money, and the drivers were regularly pushed to exceed their legal time limits for the same reason."
"Mum struggled so hard to keep everything afloat for that first year, and I was a typical teenager who didn't really pay as much attention to her struggles as I perhaps should have. I knew money was tight, and I never asked for anything extra, but I didn't pay as much attention to her the nights she sat in her room crying as I should have. It's not that I was completely unaware of it, but I didn't know how to deal with it, so I left her alone thinking that was the right thing to do. I wish I had known better then, but I think she was also hiding a lot of it from me because she wanted to protect me from it as much as possible."
There was a pause as she looked at me, understanding the irony of what she had just said and the way she had handled her own depression lately. She nodded at me to acknowledge but didn't say anything about it.
"There was a court case and a coroner's inquest, and the company was found guilty of a lot of different things. About two years after he died, there was a massive payout, and the owner of the company even went to prison for a while. Those first two years were bloody tough for her. She was working a lot of extra hours, and there were a couple of times that I knew she was scared of losing the house. Fortunately for Mum, the payout meant she could finally get rid of the house loan and cut back the hours she was working. She even took my new best friend, Susie, away with us on a small holiday.
That was a great time in my life, but I always felt a little guilty that the quality of our life came from the death of my father. Afterwards Mum still had quite a bit of money left over, although I never really knew how much, and I never really asked for much anyway. Mum continued to work part-time, but I suspect it was more about having social contact with her work friends and feeling that she was still doing something worthwhile. It has meant that she hasn't had to struggle financially ever since, but I know there isn't a day when she wouldn't give it all back to have him back again. She was absolutely heartbroken for years after that, and I don't think she ever really got over it. She never dated anyone that I saw or had any boyfriends that she told me about. Certainly nobody serious."
Chilton nodded in agreement.
"We never really do get over something like that. You just learn to adapt and live around the pain."
Mum nodded then gave a small bitter laugh.
"You know, that has always been the standard by which I have judged a marriage. It's partly why I feel that my own marriage has never measured up. Yes, I would be sad if my husband passed away or if we separated, which I suspect is imminent, but I would probably only feel a sense of relief, of freedom. Is that wrong of me?"
He eyed her carefully as though debating the best way to answer that question.
"I don't necessarily think it's wrong, but it is telling. I think it answers any questions you might have about your marriage. I'm no marriage counsellor, though, and I have never been married, so I don't think it's really my position to say how anyone should feel in their marriage. Having said that, I think if I were in your position, I would consider very carefully what I wanted from here on out. Life is too short to stay in an unhappy situation. It can be scary to change, but anything worth pursuing should be a little bit scary."
Chilton asked her about her friend, Susie, and if she was still in touch with her.
"I loved Susie in a lot of ways. Unfortunately, her parents were ultra-conservative and religious, and they really restricted the places she was allowed to go. It was a monumental undertaking just to get them to agree to let her go on a holiday with us for those couple of weeks. Mum practically had to undertake a full interrogation about where we would be going, as well as who she would be around, and they had all these strict rules for her. Thankfully, Mum was really good about it and agreed to everything they said. As soon as we were out of town, she stopped the car and had a talk with us both. She told Susie that she had no intention of being as strict as her parents were, but she had to promise not to let on that she had allowed her the extra freedoms. Susie laughed and said there was no way she was going to tell them. We had the most amazing time on that trip. The things we got up to would have had her grounded for the rest of her life."
She chuckled and gave me a knowing look.
"Anyway, as teenagers so often do, we eventually went our own ways. Susie moved away from the area with her parents because her father had some falling out with their church. We stayed in touch for a while after that, but with new relationships and other interests, we just kind of lost touch with each other. There was never a falling out or anything, just a gradual moving on. I haven't heard from her since just before I got married."
"Did she know you were getting married?"
"She did. I have to admit that she was never much of a fan of Darren. She always said he was too square for me. She was right, of course, but I thought that's what I needed and that he would ease up a bit with time. Once we got married, though, if anything, he got worse. Mum tried to talk me out of it too. She could see him for who he was, but I was young and pig-headed and thought I knew better than anyone else what was good for me. Within months of getting married, Darren got the job he has now. That, of course, meant moving away. I thought it was a promotion they offered him, but I found out several years later that he had lobbied very hard for that particular job. They had even offered him a better role in the same place he was originally working in, but he knocked it back. It turns out he really wanted to move away from here. I feel awful that I left Mum on her own. She told me that all birds should fly the nest, but I suspect she knew his motivations all along and just didn't feel that she could tell me. I feel like an idiot and such a crappy daughter."
"I don't think trying to make your marriage work makes you a bad daughter. You still came back often, and you called regularly. You are allowed to live your own life."
"I know, but I just feel like a fool and that I neglected her. I didn't even know she was sick until I got the call two days ago. No offence, but you have known her for a few weeks, and you have known more about her health in that time than I, her own daughter, have. Why wouldn't she tell me something like that unless she didn't trust me to know?"
"Perhaps she knew you already had more on your plate than was fair for anyone to have to deal with, and she didn't want to add to that burden."
Mum just nodded, knowing he was most likely right but still feeling responsible. Chilton looked at her and chuckled.
"You know you can carry the blame all you like, but it doesn't change anything. I don't believe for a second that she harbours any ill feelings towards you. She just wants you to be happy. Isn't that what most parents want for their kids?"
"I guess so."
She looked across at me, and there was such a look of anguish and confusion on her face that I just wanted to go to her. To hold her and comfort her, but I was also very conscious of what we discussed about being careful, and I didn't want to make a bad move in front of Chilton. In the end, I settled for sitting next to her and putting one arm around her. She smiled up at me and leaned her head on my shoulder. Chilton gave me a small nod of approval and continued on.
"I do understand your regret and guilt, though. My own mother is now alone in that place, and she will most likely live out the rest of her days there with no one to look after her. I left her there alone, and despite the fact that I begged her to join me here and she refused every time, I will always feel like a coward and a terrible son for leaving her there. You see, my brother and I were very aware of the activities of the gangs within our building and neighbourhood. We saw what happened in Jamaica, and we wanted no part of it here either."
"One of the gang members had a run-in with my brother. Nothing very serious, but it became a verbal disagreement in front of several of the other gang members. They argued back and forth a few times, and my brother was a very quick-witted man and clever with words. He made this man look like a fool in front of his friends. It was a loss of face that he couldn't accept. He became enraged, and before either of us knew what was happening, he had stabbed my brother. Not just once but multiple times. It was surreal the way it happened. It was all said and done in less than a minute. From the initial argument to him slumping to the floor."
"Oh, my God, Chilton. I am so sorry. That must have been terrifying."
"It happened so fast I was more confused than scared. The gang members just walked away as though nothing had happened at all, and I was left there with him. He was looking at me in shock and pain. He was bewildered and kept looking to me like I had the answer. I tried to call out for help, but everyone who lived there knew better than to interfere when it came to the gangs. One minute he was looking at me confused, and the next his eyes were staring straight through me and not seeing anything at all."
I was in shock. I hated seeing what happened to Peter, but to witness what Chilton had would have broken me.
"It changed something in my mother. The loss of my father and brother in the same place made me want to get out of there. It's a cursed place in my opinion. I want nothing to do with it ever again. If I never set foot in that place again, I will be satisfied. Maybe I'm a coward for running away, but I saw absolutely no future for me there. For my mum, though, it's like it has glued her to the place. She cannot bring herself to leave the ghosts that are there. And yet, I know that neither of them would want her to linger there in suffering."
My mother reached out a tentative hand and placed it in the back of Chilton's.
"I am so incredibly sorry you had to go through all of that."
He gave her a smile of gratitude, then nodded.
"I have thought about it a lot. At first, I was angry at my father because making us leave Jamaica led to all of this, but I knew he was trying to create a better life for us. Then I was angry at the company man for lying to my father about the conditions we would be going to. That's something I haven't managed to forgive yet, but I am trying. I resented the fact that we were taken from our home, but I also realise now as an adult that the conditions there would likely have led to the same outcome or possibly even worse. I am in a better place here than I could have hoped for, so ultimately I am grateful. It has just been a hard path to tread to get here. I just want my mother to come here and try it, even just for a holiday. I know she would likely stay if she saw how things are here, but I also think that's why she won't even come to visit. She's afraid she won't go back."
"It's hard to leave what you are familiar with. I should know. Having said that, I'm actually considering going back to the familiar. I am actually considering moving back here."
She looked meaningfully at me, and it took me a moment to process exactly what that meant. It seems I had some decisions to make too. Would I finish the school year at home or try and transfer to a school here? Would I continue to try and find work at home or see what I could get around here? Where did my future lie?
Considering how things were and how things are going to be if Mum does leave, would I be welcome back there? Would Dad blame me for Mum leaving? I had so many things to consider and absolutely no idea where to begin with it all.
It was around then that I realised I should probably call Dad and let him know that we got here okay. We may never have been the best of friends, but he is my father. It was weird to feel nervous about talking to him, though. I really had to think about what I would say to him and especially what I shouldn't say.
I didn't want to interrupt the conversation between Mum and Chilton, but I figured the sooner I ripped this band-aid off, the better.
"Mum?"
She seemed lost in thought and literally shook herself physically to bring her mind back to the here and now.
"Hmm? What's up?"
I almost felt like I was betraying her, but the reality is I also felt like it was the right thing to do.
"Umm, I think I should probably let Dad know we got here alright."
She looked at me for a moment as though trying to define if I was telling her more than I was saying.
"I just... I don't know. It seems like the right thing to do."
She smiled at me and nodded, then sighed.
"Yeah, I guess you're right."
I wanted her to come with me so that she could hear what was said, but I didn't really want to say that out loud in front of Chilton. She seemed to pick up on my reluctance and smiled at me.
"It's okay."
I nodded and knew that was all that would be said on the matter. She trusted me, and after the day's events, I should have known better than to question that trust.
I walked back out the front door and sat on one of the chairs on the balcony. I tried to steel my nerves against the anger that he had shown this morning. I took a deep breath and then dialled his number. When the phone answered and I heard his voicemail message, I released a large sigh of relief. I hadn't even realised I had been holding my breath. I heard the beep and said all that I felt I needed to.
"Hi, Dad. Just letting you know that we got here okay. Mum and I are both alright, but Granny isn't so well. Anyway, I'll keep in touch and let you know what's happening."
I felt a little bit like I was lying, but I also felt that he wouldn't particularly care anyway. He had shown no care for how Mum was feeling about anything lately, so why would he now? I had a moment of feeling a bit guilty about the way Mum and I had been behaving today, but that didn't change the fact that I didn't want it to stop. What was happening was making two out of three people happy when three out of three had been bloody miserable for ages. Not doing the things we were wasn't going to make him happy anyway. I know that's a weak justification on my part, but both Mum and I were enjoying it for now, and I was prepared to do a lot to make her happy.
I walked back inside, and she looked up at me with a concerned expression. I smiled at her, letting her know that I was fine.
"What did he say?"
"Nothing. I left a message on voicemail."
She gave a small bitter laugh.
"He's probably passed out drunk by now."
We turned towards it and stepped into the lounge. Chilton was sitting on the couch watching TV in the mostly darkened room. He looked up at us as we entered the room.
"Hi, guys. Did you have a good time?"
Mum had quite a glint in her eye and a small smirk as she nodded.
"Yeah, it was nice to sit at the beach and have fish and chips. It makes me feel at home as much as anything ever has. I feel like I have finally returned to my childhood home in some ways."
He nodded along and smiled.
"It's funny how a certain food can do that. I always think of my mother's cooking when I think of home. I miss it a lot, my home and my mother. Well, home before England anyway."
"So where does your family come from originally?"
"Originally, we were from a rather poor place just to the west of Kingston in Jamaica. It was rough there, and my parents wanted to be free of poverty and desperation. As kids we didn't really see it; it just was what it was and was completely normal to my brother and me. Looking back on it as an adult, though, I can see why they wanted out.
The company my father worked for eventually offered him a position alongside a number of his co-workers, which meant moving to England. To my parents, it was like they had won the lottery. When we sailed out of Kingston, it was like we were on a great adventure. It was an incredible experience for my brother and me as we ran amok on the ship for a couple of weeks. We were told stories of the English countryside we would be able to run around in, the education we would get, and the money our family would have. We were promised riches beyond anything we had had at home, and the excitement that we all felt only grew as we got closer."
There was a long pause as his face became sad with the memory.
"It was, of course, all a lie. We basically exchanged a street-level slum for a high-rise one. Our new English home was a two-bedroom London council flat. The gangs of Kingston were exchanged for the same group of thugs in London. Different faces, different accents, same bullshit. We were there for about two years before my father was badly injured in an industrial accident in the factory he worked in. Unfortunately, he never recovered. He lingered in the hospital, attached to machines, for about a month before he eventually passed away from his injuries.
I guess we were lucky that we weren't left destitute as the company kept their promise and allowed us to continue to live in the flat. I believe it was their way of assuaging their guilt and trying to prevent a lawsuit, but sadly my mother only ever saw it as benevolence and kindness. She has refused to leave there ever since."
My mother smiled sadly and nodded.
"We share a similar story."
Chilton nodded.
"Yes, Liz has told me about your father, but I would like to hear your perspective on your childhood."
She looked around the room as though looking at the ghosts of her past, and a smile eased across her face. She began to tell him stories of her childhood. Many of these stories I had heard before, but there were some that I hadn't. It was interesting to get even more insight into her life when she was younger. It was one more of the many ways I felt like I was discovering a completely new person today: a woman who was a child, a teenager, a daughter, a woman, but most importantly, so much more than a mother and wife.
She had had a good childhood with loving parents and the freedom to explore her world. Not all of the stories she told were happy ones, though, including the story of how her father passed away. I felt bad because I had never really talked to her much about it. I knew it had been a car accident, but I didn't know any of the details.
"I was fourteen when it happened. I had come home from school; Mum was here, and Dad was running late. I knew Mum was worried, but she didn't say anything. This was way before mobile phones or anything, so it's not like she could call him. Dad was rarely late home, and it was over an hour after he was due home when the police knocked on the door. I don't really remember the details much after that other than a lot of crying, and my granny, Liz's mum, and Mum's sister came around. They're both gone now too."
There was another long silence before she spoke again.
"A truck went through a set of traffic lights at speed. The driver managed to swerve to miss the cars stopped at the lights but not enough to avoid ploughing straight into the side of Dad's car as he had just taken off from the other side of the intersection. The driver of the truck had gone way over his hours on the road, and the truck itself had faulty brakes because the company that ran them demanded they be running all the time. Servicing got overlooked because it meant they wouldn't be on the road making money, and the drivers were regularly pushed to exceed their legal time limits for the same reason."
"Mum struggled so hard to keep everything afloat for that first year, and I was a typical teenager who didn't really pay as much attention to her struggles as I perhaps should have. I knew money was tight, and I never asked for anything extra, but I didn't pay as much attention to her the nights she sat in her room crying as I should have. It's not that I was completely unaware of it, but I didn't know how to deal with it, so I left her alone thinking that was the right thing to do. I wish I had known better then, but I think she was also hiding a lot of it from me because she wanted to protect me from it as much as possible."
There was a pause as she looked at me, understanding the irony of what she had just said and the way she had handled her own depression lately. She nodded at me to acknowledge but didn't say anything about it.
"There was a court case and a coroner's inquest, and the company was found guilty of a lot of different things. About two years after he died, there was a massive payout, and the owner of the company even went to prison for a while. Those first two years were bloody tough for her. She was working a lot of extra hours, and there were a couple of times that I knew she was scared of losing the house. Fortunately for Mum, the payout meant she could finally get rid of the house loan and cut back the hours she was working. She even took my new best friend, Susie, away with us on a small holiday.
That was a great time in my life, but I always felt a little guilty that the quality of our life came from the death of my father. Afterwards Mum still had quite a bit of money left over, although I never really knew how much, and I never really asked for much anyway. Mum continued to work part-time, but I suspect it was more about having social contact with her work friends and feeling that she was still doing something worthwhile. It has meant that she hasn't had to struggle financially ever since, but I know there isn't a day when she wouldn't give it all back to have him back again. She was absolutely heartbroken for years after that, and I don't think she ever really got over it. She never dated anyone that I saw or had any boyfriends that she told me about. Certainly nobody serious."
Chilton nodded in agreement.
"We never really do get over something like that. You just learn to adapt and live around the pain."
Mum nodded then gave a small bitter laugh.
"You know, that has always been the standard by which I have judged a marriage. It's partly why I feel that my own marriage has never measured up. Yes, I would be sad if my husband passed away or if we separated, which I suspect is imminent, but I would probably only feel a sense of relief, of freedom. Is that wrong of me?"
He eyed her carefully as though debating the best way to answer that question.
"I don't necessarily think it's wrong, but it is telling. I think it answers any questions you might have about your marriage. I'm no marriage counsellor, though, and I have never been married, so I don't think it's really my position to say how anyone should feel in their marriage. Having said that, I think if I were in your position, I would consider very carefully what I wanted from here on out. Life is too short to stay in an unhappy situation. It can be scary to change, but anything worth pursuing should be a little bit scary."
Chilton asked her about her friend, Susie, and if she was still in touch with her.
"I loved Susie in a lot of ways. Unfortunately, her parents were ultra-conservative and religious, and they really restricted the places she was allowed to go. It was a monumental undertaking just to get them to agree to let her go on a holiday with us for those couple of weeks. Mum practically had to undertake a full interrogation about where we would be going, as well as who she would be around, and they had all these strict rules for her. Thankfully, Mum was really good about it and agreed to everything they said. As soon as we were out of town, she stopped the car and had a talk with us both. She told Susie that she had no intention of being as strict as her parents were, but she had to promise not to let on that she had allowed her the extra freedoms. Susie laughed and said there was no way she was going to tell them. We had the most amazing time on that trip. The things we got up to would have had her grounded for the rest of her life."
She chuckled and gave me a knowing look.
"Anyway, as teenagers so often do, we eventually went our own ways. Susie moved away from the area with her parents because her father had some falling out with their church. We stayed in touch for a while after that, but with new relationships and other interests, we just kind of lost touch with each other. There was never a falling out or anything, just a gradual moving on. I haven't heard from her since just before I got married."
"Did she know you were getting married?"
"She did. I have to admit that she was never much of a fan of Darren. She always said he was too square for me. She was right, of course, but I thought that's what I needed and that he would ease up a bit with time. Once we got married, though, if anything, he got worse. Mum tried to talk me out of it too. She could see him for who he was, but I was young and pig-headed and thought I knew better than anyone else what was good for me. Within months of getting married, Darren got the job he has now. That, of course, meant moving away. I thought it was a promotion they offered him, but I found out several years later that he had lobbied very hard for that particular job. They had even offered him a better role in the same place he was originally working in, but he knocked it back. It turns out he really wanted to move away from here. I feel awful that I left Mum on her own. She told me that all birds should fly the nest, but I suspect she knew his motivations all along and just didn't feel that she could tell me. I feel like an idiot and such a crappy daughter."
"I don't think trying to make your marriage work makes you a bad daughter. You still came back often, and you called regularly. You are allowed to live your own life."
"I know, but I just feel like a fool and that I neglected her. I didn't even know she was sick until I got the call two days ago. No offence, but you have known her for a few weeks, and you have known more about her health in that time than I, her own daughter, have. Why wouldn't she tell me something like that unless she didn't trust me to know?"
"Perhaps she knew you already had more on your plate than was fair for anyone to have to deal with, and she didn't want to add to that burden."
Mum just nodded, knowing he was most likely right but still feeling responsible. Chilton looked at her and chuckled.
"You know you can carry the blame all you like, but it doesn't change anything. I don't believe for a second that she harbours any ill feelings towards you. She just wants you to be happy. Isn't that what most parents want for their kids?"
"I guess so."
She looked across at me, and there was such a look of anguish and confusion on her face that I just wanted to go to her. To hold her and comfort her, but I was also very conscious of what we discussed about being careful, and I didn't want to make a bad move in front of Chilton. In the end, I settled for sitting next to her and putting one arm around her. She smiled up at me and leaned her head on my shoulder. Chilton gave me a small nod of approval and continued on.
"I do understand your regret and guilt, though. My own mother is now alone in that place, and she will most likely live out the rest of her days there with no one to look after her. I left her there alone, and despite the fact that I begged her to join me here and she refused every time, I will always feel like a coward and a terrible son for leaving her there. You see, my brother and I were very aware of the activities of the gangs within our building and neighbourhood. We saw what happened in Jamaica, and we wanted no part of it here either."
"One of the gang members had a run-in with my brother. Nothing very serious, but it became a verbal disagreement in front of several of the other gang members. They argued back and forth a few times, and my brother was a very quick-witted man and clever with words. He made this man look like a fool in front of his friends. It was a loss of face that he couldn't accept. He became enraged, and before either of us knew what was happening, he had stabbed my brother. Not just once but multiple times. It was surreal the way it happened. It was all said and done in less than a minute. From the initial argument to him slumping to the floor."
"Oh, my God, Chilton. I am so sorry. That must have been terrifying."
"It happened so fast I was more confused than scared. The gang members just walked away as though nothing had happened at all, and I was left there with him. He was looking at me in shock and pain. He was bewildered and kept looking to me like I had the answer. I tried to call out for help, but everyone who lived there knew better than to interfere when it came to the gangs. One minute he was looking at me confused, and the next his eyes were staring straight through me and not seeing anything at all."
I was in shock. I hated seeing what happened to Peter, but to witness what Chilton had would have broken me.
"It changed something in my mother. The loss of my father and brother in the same place made me want to get out of there. It's a cursed place in my opinion. I want nothing to do with it ever again. If I never set foot in that place again, I will be satisfied. Maybe I'm a coward for running away, but I saw absolutely no future for me there. For my mum, though, it's like it has glued her to the place. She cannot bring herself to leave the ghosts that are there. And yet, I know that neither of them would want her to linger there in suffering."
My mother reached out a tentative hand and placed it in the back of Chilton's.
"I am so incredibly sorry you had to go through all of that."
He gave her a smile of gratitude, then nodded.
"I have thought about it a lot. At first, I was angry at my father because making us leave Jamaica led to all of this, but I knew he was trying to create a better life for us. Then I was angry at the company man for lying to my father about the conditions we would be going to. That's something I haven't managed to forgive yet, but I am trying. I resented the fact that we were taken from our home, but I also realise now as an adult that the conditions there would likely have led to the same outcome or possibly even worse. I am in a better place here than I could have hoped for, so ultimately I am grateful. It has just been a hard path to tread to get here. I just want my mother to come here and try it, even just for a holiday. I know she would likely stay if she saw how things are here, but I also think that's why she won't even come to visit. She's afraid she won't go back."
"It's hard to leave what you are familiar with. I should know. Having said that, I'm actually considering going back to the familiar. I am actually considering moving back here."
She looked meaningfully at me, and it took me a moment to process exactly what that meant. It seems I had some decisions to make too. Would I finish the school year at home or try and transfer to a school here? Would I continue to try and find work at home or see what I could get around here? Where did my future lie?
Considering how things were and how things are going to be if Mum does leave, would I be welcome back there? Would Dad blame me for Mum leaving? I had so many things to consider and absolutely no idea where to begin with it all.
It was around then that I realised I should probably call Dad and let him know that we got here okay. We may never have been the best of friends, but he is my father. It was weird to feel nervous about talking to him, though. I really had to think about what I would say to him and especially what I shouldn't say.
I didn't want to interrupt the conversation between Mum and Chilton, but I figured the sooner I ripped this band-aid off, the better.
"Mum?"
She seemed lost in thought and literally shook herself physically to bring her mind back to the here and now.
"Hmm? What's up?"
I almost felt like I was betraying her, but the reality is I also felt like it was the right thing to do.
"Umm, I think I should probably let Dad know we got here alright."
She looked at me for a moment as though trying to define if I was telling her more than I was saying.
"I just... I don't know. It seems like the right thing to do."
She smiled at me and nodded, then sighed.
"Yeah, I guess you're right."
I wanted her to come with me so that she could hear what was said, but I didn't really want to say that out loud in front of Chilton. She seemed to pick up on my reluctance and smiled at me.
"It's okay."
I nodded and knew that was all that would be said on the matter. She trusted me, and after the day's events, I should have known better than to question that trust.
I walked back out the front door and sat on one of the chairs on the balcony. I tried to steel my nerves against the anger that he had shown this morning. I took a deep breath and then dialled his number. When the phone answered and I heard his voicemail message, I released a large sigh of relief. I hadn't even realised I had been holding my breath. I heard the beep and said all that I felt I needed to.
"Hi, Dad. Just letting you know that we got here okay. Mum and I are both alright, but Granny isn't so well. Anyway, I'll keep in touch and let you know what's happening."
I felt a little bit like I was lying, but I also felt that he wouldn't particularly care anyway. He had shown no care for how Mum was feeling about anything lately, so why would he now? I had a moment of feeling a bit guilty about the way Mum and I had been behaving today, but that didn't change the fact that I didn't want it to stop. What was happening was making two out of three people happy when three out of three had been bloody miserable for ages. Not doing the things we were wasn't going to make him happy anyway. I know that's a weak justification on my part, but both Mum and I were enjoying it for now, and I was prepared to do a lot to make her happy.
I walked back inside, and she looked up at me with a concerned expression. I smiled at her, letting her know that I was fine.
"What did he say?"
"Nothing. I left a message on voicemail."
She gave a small bitter laugh.
"He's probably passed out drunk by now."
