Incest/Taboo Discovering Mum

Discovering Mum Ch. 21

Chilton had been home for about ten minutes after I sent him a message letting him know that our guests had left. He was fussing over Granny and making sure that she was as okay as she could be. She seemed happy at having had the visitors but looked tired and a little sad.

"How about I give you a massage again and put you to bed?"

She smiled up at him but shook her head no.

"Do you mind if I give it a miss today? I just want a cup of tea and to sit here with my family."

He didn't look thrilled about it, but he understood that she was tired.

"Okay, but you owe me one."

She smiled and gave a weak chuckle.

"If you say so."

He went and sat back down, but I could see that he was silently observing her. I went out to the kitchen to make the drinks for everybody, and I was lost in thought when I felt Mum's hand slip around my waist.

"She looks so tired."

"Yeah."

"It's shocking how fast she has gone down."

I nodded but didn't trust myself to speak at the moment. I pulled her around into a hug and just held her to my chest for a few moments. She breathed a deep sigh and straightened her back.

"Thanks, I needed that."

"Any time."

We all sat down with our drinks in silence as we were each lost in our thoughts, but the peace didn't last. There was a rattly gasp followed by a weak cough and a wheeze. We each looked up at Granny, and I felt the blood drain from my face. Granny was choking, or more accurately, drowning before our very eyes. I stood up but had no idea what my intention was. Thankfully, Chilton knew exactly what was happening and how to handle it. It was incredible to watch someone so calm, strong, and decisive in action, even if it was terrifying at the same time. He lifted Granny out of her chair and bent her over his knee as though she was a naughty child about to be spanked. He used the flat of his hand to seemingly pound on her back, although the force was spread over her entire upper back. He was strong and forceful, yet there was a gentleness about him at the same time.

There was another rattly gasp followed by more coughing and spluttering, which soon became a slower, albeit raspy, breathing pattern.

"Are you okay, Liz? Can you breathe yet?"

She nodded, and a croaky whisper of confirmation came out as well.

"Are you right if I sit you back up now?"

"Please."

With great care, he sat her back upright and then settled her onto her chair properly. Once she had her breath back and was no longer coughing, Chilton helped her to her bed. He spent some time with her, settling her in and making sure she was comfortable, then came out to talk with us. Susie had gone to pick up some takeout food for us all, and Chilton asked the two of us to join him on the veranda out back again. I assume it was because Granny was still awake, and he didn't want to talk about her where she could hear.

"Do you understand that this is likely how she will pass?"

Neither Mum nor I knew how to respond because, truth be told, I don't think either of us had been brave enough to contemplate the mechanics of her death. Thankfully, he didn't seem to need an answer.

"Her swallow reflex has all but gone now, and she will most likely drown. She isn't going to be happy about it, but she won't be able to have cups of tea or water anymore. Tomorrow morning, I will set up a cannula so we can keep fluids in her that way, but it is temporary at best. I have her sleeping sitting up now because if she lays flat on her back, her throat will either close over because of the damage to her oesophagus, or she will likely drown in her saliva. I don't think she will have the strength to cough up fluids again, not like she did this afternoon."

We both nodded solemnly but were unable to say anything or ask any questions. The truth is, we knew these were the final days we were going to get with her, and it hurt. It hurt because she was so loved, and we had all grown even closer to her over the last month. I felt like I had just begun to know this feisty, funny woman, and now she was disappearing before my eyes.

I was also hurting because I could see and feel the heartbreak that Mum was experiencing. She had lost so much in the last year, and this was going to be a heavy blow for her. All I could do was try and stay strong and be there for her. I only hoped that Granny would hold out for a little while longer, although I didn't want her to suffer either.

I was glad that Susie was still here and that she hadn't gone to her mother's yet. As much as I would be there for Mum no matter what, I didn't think I was going to be enough for her in this. I wasn't sure if anyone was.

We all sat around in contemplative silence for a few minutes as it sunk in just how close to death she was. It was one thing to know it on an intellectual level; it was another thing altogether to see it happening before your eyes. Chilton reached across the table and gently took Mum's hand in his own.

"I know this is tough. There is no right or wrong way to feel about it or to process this. I will do all that I can to help you through this, and I will be here until the end, not only for Liz but also for you. If you have any questions at all, just ask."

She nodded and looked as though she was going to say something, but then a tear rolled down her cheek, and her chin quivered for a moment before she could compose herself enough to speak.

"Is there anything we can do for her? Can't they do something like a tracheotomy or something?"

Chilton shook his head slowly.

"No, Beth. The trauma of any form of surgery like that now would most likely kill her anyway. The reality is that the cancer is growing and on the move. It will attack other parts of her body until she dies. It has most likely already moved to her lungs and other organs by now, and there is nothing they can do to prevent it or even slow it at this point. The treatment alone would kill her. Unfortunately, this is it. Everything that can be done has been done. All we can do now is keep her comfortable for as long as possible."

Mum just nodded. Knowing the truth and accepting it are two very different things, and the weight of acceptance was crushing her at the moment.

Chilton asked if there was anything else he could do for us, but we both shook our heads no. He let go of her hand and stood up. He turned to leave, but before he was through the door, Mum stopped him.

"Chilton?"

He turned back to her, and I could see the sadness we felt reflected in his eyes. I wondered how much of a toll this job was taking on him. How does someone work so closely with people, get attached to them, only to watch them die over and over again? Was this a form of penitence he felt he owed because he had left his mother behind? He didn't say anything, but he gave Mum his full attention.

"Chilton. We couldn't have done any of this without you. We owe you more than

we can ever repay."

He smiled a sad smile but shook his head no.

"It's what I do."

"Yes, but you do it well, and you do it with care. I appreciate it, and I know Mum does too."

"Thank you, Beth."

He turned and walked through the door, and Mum and I embraced in a hug. I felt like I was trying to hold her together as she sobbed quietly on my shoulder.

She eventually calmed down; she cried it all out and released me. I kissed her on the forehead and asked her if she was okay. It felt like a ridiculous and redundant question because I knew she was not okay. She nodded and let out a choked response.

"Yeah. I'll be okay; it just hurts."

"Yeah."

I watched as she straightened her back and tried to set her resolve.

"I need to make some calls. I have to let Peter know what's going on."

"Can you call him?"

"Not directly, but I can get a message to him in an emergency if I call the solicitor. He might be able to arrange for Peter to call me."

While she was on the phone to the solicitor, Susie arrived home. She took one look at Mum, realised she was talking to the solicitor, and immediately thought the worst. She looked at me wide-eyed, and the question hung silently between us. I shook my head no, but it almost felt like a lie. She hadn't passed away yet, but we all knew it was imminent.

"No, not yet. She's trying to get a message to Peter."

"Oh."

I could see the relief in her eyes, but it felt like a very temporary reprieve.

It was a sombre evening, and as much as we tried to keep it light-hearted, there were a lot of long and heavy silences.

The next morning, I dragged my stiff, sore, tired, and stressed body off the couch and folded the blankets again. I wanted to stretch and walk, but I didn't want to go far. I walked as quietly as I could to Granny's room and pushed the door open. She was sleeping sitting upright, but I could easily hear her strained breathing. I felt the relief course through me, and I moved on to the kitchen. I got myself a drink of water because I didn't want to wake anyone up making coffee.

I went outside and looked around at the gardens. I felt like I should be doing something, but I was at a loss as to what I should be doing. Never had I felt more useless. I went to the furthest tree in the yard and walked around behind it to relieve myself, once again, a job done silently instead of waking the house up with the sound of a flushing toilet.

I made sure my phone was fully charged with the volume turned up, then I headed out the gate for a walk. I began walking around the block, but I couldn't see anything beyond what was right in front of my feet. I couldn't even say how many times I walked around the block; I just kept turning left every time I got to a corner. My mind was elsewhere completely.

It was almost like a meditation as I watched my feet pacing beneath me. I focused solely on the mundane act of walking and forced myself not to think of anything. I didn't want to think about anyone or anything because everything brought me back to a place of pain. I was so focused on the rhythm of walking that I almost tripped over my own feet when the phone rang and pulled me out of my reverie. I pulled it out of my pocket as fast as I could.

"Hello?"

I could hear the panic in my voice, but there was nothing I could do to prevent it.

"It's okay, sweetie. Granny is fine; she's still asleep. I just wanted to check up on you, make sure you are okay."

"Sorry, Mum. I'm alright. I just needed to go for a walk. Are you alright?"

"I'm okay at the moment, but it's okay not to be okay, Jeff. None of us are at the moment. How far did you go?"

"Not far; I just walked around the block."

There was a small chuckle from her end.

"How many times? I have been up for an hour."

I looked at the time and was shocked to see that I had been out walking for two hours. As soon as I realised this, the fatigue sunk into my muscles, and my stomach growled a reminder that I had only had a single glass of water so far today.

"Shit. I didn't realise I had been out so long. I'll be back soon."

"Come and have breakfast on the veranda with me."

"Okay. Mum?"

"Yes, sweetie?"

"I love you."

I could hear the smile in her voice.

"I know. I love you too."

"Probably more than I should."

There was a silence for a few heartbeats, then in an even softer voice than she had already been using.

"Me too."

I was ravenous, and my breakfast disappeared moments after I had sat down. I washed it down with the coffee that Mum had made me as I walked home. Neither of us had much to say, but I felt that she needed me by her side right now more than ever.

It was such a strange day; Granny slept for the majority of it, as though the visit yesterday had drained a huge portion of what energy she had left. Not long after noon, Chilton came out after having checked on her again.

"She's awake now. She says she wants to talk to all of us, but she doesn't have the strength to get out of bed."

Without saying anything, we all trooped into her room, single file, with Mum leading the way and Chilton bringing up the rear. Mum leaned over Granny and kissed her forehead.

"Hey, Mum. How are you feeling?"

"Like death warmed up."

She gave a small chuckle, but it seemed to take her breath away temporarily. Her voice was very hoarse as though she had spent the day screaming. Once everyone had settled around her, she looked at each of us in turn, including Chilton, who was trying to hang back out of the way of this important family moment.

"I don't have a lot of voice left at this point, or perhaps much time, so I need you to listen."

We all nodded solemnly and waited as she took a few deep breaths.

"I don't want to make this all melodramatic, but I don't want to waste the chance. The most important thing I want to say is that I love you, every one of you. Yes, that includes you, Chilton."

She gave him a wink, and we all chuckled.

"I mean it, though. You have done things for me over the last few months, Chilton, that I would never have trusted a soul to do, and you have done it with grace and kindness. It means the world to me. More than anything, you have allowed me to stay in my home and not waste away in a nursing home where nobody knows me or cares about me. I can't thank you enough."

He took her hand and smiled at her. We could all see the tears brimming in his eyes, although somehow they didn't fall.

"It has been, and will continue to be, my honour."

"I want you to promise me something."

"What's that, Liz?"

"After all this nonsense is over with, I want you to go visit your mother and convince her to come here. Even if it's just for a holiday. Once she sees what she could have with her wonderful son, she won't want to go back. And when you have done that, make the time to find someone to share this life with."

"So, just a small promise then?"

She smiled and nodded. He returned her smile, then nodded as well.

"I promise. As soon as I can save enough money."

There was something in the smile she gave him, as though she knew something he didn't.

She turned to Susie next.

"Susie, you have been a special part of our life since you first came home with Beth. I did all I could for you because I could see your situation wasn't great at home. I'm sorry I couldn't do more for you back then. I am so grateful that you have found your way back to us. As much as Beth has been stressed lately, for obvious reasons, she has also been happier than I have seen her since before the two of you went your separate ways."

She glanced meaningfully at me briefly before turning her attention back to Susie.

"I know it's not entirely you that is to thank for that, but you are a huge part of it. I am so glad you found your way home to us, and remember, you will always have a home with us."

Susie gave a small sob and leaned in to give her a gentle hug.

"Thank you for always being here for me. You have both shaped my life in some of the best ways."

When she sat up again, her face was wet with tears, and she couldn't meet anyone's eyes. Granny turned to me next.

"Jeff, you have stepped up, and I am so proud of you. You have been the man in your mum's life in all the ways that it is important to be a man."

I couldn't help but wonder, not for the first time, if she knew more than she was letting on. I wasn't game to look at anyone else for fear of giving it all away. I felt Mum's hand on my back as she gently rubbed it in a supportive way, as though she was trying to convey to me that she too was proud of me.

"You could as easily have run away from the tension at home or followed in the path of your brother and chosen an escape that way. I know you feel in some ways that you have run away from your dad and your hometown, but I think you should look at it in a different light. Sometimes, the smartest thing to do is to escape a situation that is bad for you. I believe that's what you have done, and you helped your mother do the same. When you first got here, it seemed like you had travelled back in time and rescued my sweet, funny, exciting girl and brought her home to me. On top of doing such an amazing thing as that, you also reunited me with my Richard. There are no words of thanks from me that will ever be enough for that."

"You say it like it was a selfless act when it wasn't. I have gained so much already because of this whole scenario; I feel like I have got to know two of the most amazing women in my life. I feel like I understand things a whole lot clearer than I ever have. Before, all I could see was a boring, predictable, depressing future in that small town, and I feel like the world is open to me now. As far as Richard goes, all I did was make a phone call or two. I was glad to be able to do such a small but important thing for you, but it was hardly world-changing."

She smiled at me and nodded.

"Perhaps not to you, but it meant the world to me. I hope that one day you find a woman to give you a loving home and babies that you can bring home to your Mum and make her as proud of them as I am of you."

"Thank you, Granny."

She looked at Mum, who was sitting very still as silent tears poured down her face. She knew this was goodbye, and it was killing her.

"Oh, don't cry, Beth. Be happy that I have lived a full life. Be grateful we get this chance to say what we want to say to each other."

"I am grateful, Mum, but it hurts."

"I know. It's hard to say goodbye. I want you to know how much I have loved you. You make me so proud. I know things haven't gone the way you planned; life has a habit of doing that. I am so proud of you, though. The way you have stepped out of the mess you found yourself in and just walked away from that with your head held high. I know it hasn't been easy for you, and I know you worry about things and blame yourself for things, but I can tell you, you are doing great.

Peter has thrown challenges your way, and you blame yourself, but ask yourself this. Do you hold me responsible for your decision to marry Darren? Of course you don't. You were an adult and made that decision yourself, just as Peter did. I know you worry about bringing Jeff up here, away from his friends, his school, and his job. Did you at any point ask him to come? He's an adult that made that decision himself."

I couldn't help but interject here.

"And it was the best move I ever made. I wouldn't change a thing about it. Ever."

I gave her a meaningful look, and she nodded and blushed.

"I know you worry about so much, Beth, but you need to give it a rest. Focus on yourself for a while. Don't worry about what anyone might think about your situation or your relationships. All that matters is those who love you, and this room is full of people who love you. Everyone here has loved you as long as they have known you, and you have loved them just as fiercely. That, more than anything else, makes me so damn proud of you. Your dad loved you so much and was so proud of you, and his love has followed you every day of your life, as has mine. You have been my dearest friend as well as my beloved daughter, my little girl.

I want you to stay strong, remember how much your father and I have loved you, and know that our love will continue to follow you and envelope you for the rest of your days. I want you to pursue love, no matter what shape that love takes, and hang on to it because it's so precious."

Mum got up out of her chair and sat on the side of Granny's bed. She reached across and gently hugged her. She stretched out next to her and kissed her on the cheek.

"I love you so much, Mum. You mean the absolute world to me."

"And you to me, too, my girl."

Everyone was quiet for a while as we each felt the gravity of the moment. Granny caught Chilton's attention and waved him over. All this talking had made her very tired, and her voice was faltering as she whispered to him. He nodded, opened her bedside drawer and handed her an envelope. She passed it to Mum, who took it in her hand but didn't move from where she was lying next to her mother.

"This is for after. Promise me you won't open it until after, okay?"

Mum sobbed but nodded.

Chilton did one last check on Granny before quietly exiting the room. I took that as my cue to leave as well. I stood up, then kissed Granny on the forehead.

"Thank you, Granny, for everything. I love you."

She smiled faintly but didn't say anything; she looked so tired now.

Susie stood up and did the same, whispering something to her, and then we both walked out the door, leaving mother and daughter to themselves to say whatever needed to be said without an audience.

Susie went outside and sat at the table on the veranda, and Chilton was sitting on the steps just staring out into the yard. As I looked at him, I saw a tear roll down his cheek. I sat down next to him and just placed a hand on his shoulder. Nothing needed to be said; just company-shared.

We sat like that for quite some time before he took a deep breath and released it slowly.

"It's never an easy part of this job, but damn, Liz is special, man. I am going to miss her when she's gone."

I nodded.

"I don't know how you do it, Chilton. It has to take a toll."

He nodded but didn't say anything.

I have no idea what time Mum came out of the room and joined us around the table, but the sun was setting. Time was doing some strange things, seeming to pass in the blink of an eye and dragging out each second like it was an hour. Nobody had said much since we came out earlier, but when Mum walked out, it was like a spell had been broken. We all looked up to her, our worst fears floating in a silent question. She managed to smile and shook her head.

"She's sleeping now. She seems alright for the moment, just very tired."

Chilton stood up from his position on the stairs and walked over to Mum. He embraced her in a hug, then held her by the shoulders at arm's length, looking her in the face.

"Are you okay?"

"I am, at the moment. I got to talk to her and say some things that I needed to tell her. I will forever be grateful that I got to have this time with her."

"I am glad for all of you that you did and that you have taken advantage of the time with each other as well. So many people get caught up in the mechanics that they miss the opportunity to have these moments, and they are so important."

"I know we have been saying this a lot, Chilton, but thank you. You have made it possible for us to have these moments, and they are so precious to me."

He nodded but didn't say anything. His hands dropped down from her shoulders, and I watched as he took a deep breath and got himself under control.

"I'm just going to check on Liz, then I need to go for a walk."

Mum nodded and stepped aside to allow him to go through the door. She watched him go, then joined us at the table.

"Are you okay, Mum?"

She nodded and let out a shaky sigh.

"Yeah, I am. I don't think it will be much longer. She seems so very tired now."

Susie moved around next to her and wrapped her arm around her shoulder. I had never felt more redundant in my life. There was nothing I could do to help anyone. All we could do was wait.

"I feel like a fucking vulture, just circling and waiting for the inevitable."

The rest of the evening was spent in quiet reflection. Everyone spoke softly, each telling their favourite stories of Granny. Chilton hadn't made an appearance, but we did hear him come home earlier. He just needed to be alone, and we left him that way.​