Incest/Taboo Discovering Mum

Discovering Mum Ch. 22​

"You need to go wake your Mum, Jeff."

I had that sinking feeling in my stomach, and I knew. I froze for a moment as understanding and dread washed down over me. I took in the sad but determined look on Chilton's face.

"It's happened?"

He nodded but didn't say anything.

I walked towards the bedroom with dread in my heart. I took a deep, steadying breath and quietly pushed the door open. I was anticipating having to wake Mum up, but her eyes were looking directly at me from the moment the door opened. I doubt she had had any sleep at all. She looked at me, and I didn't need to say a word. I watched in silent horror as her face crumpled in silent grief. I knelt next to the bed and wrapped my arms around her. She took a deep, shuddering breath, and a low moan began to rise from her.

Susie stirred then sat upright as though she had been startled. She looked at me, and I gave her a small nod to the unasked question that was hanging in the air. Her face immediately shifted from confused and worried to sad. She looked at Mum's back and lay back down. She rolled onto her side and wrapped her arm around the both of us.

"Oh, I am so sorry."

Mum began to sob and then heave in air as though her body had forgotten how to breathe normally. I was making quiet murmurs that I guess were trying to be comforting, but my heart felt like it was being torn out by her grief.

An unknown amount of time went by before any of us moved, but when I did try to stand up again, my knees screamed in protest. I managed to get myself upright, and the return of blood to my feet caused burning pins and needles. I had to balance myself against the drawers to prevent myself from falling over until I could feel my feet again. Mum swivelled around and put her feet on the floor. She was still hiccoughing the occasional sob, but the initial shock seemed to have moved on a little bit for now.

She looked up at me, and seeing the level of sadness on her face ripped me to the core. Even in the worst moments of the court case and her separation from Dad, I had never seen her look so vulnerable. I held my hand out to her and helped her to her feet. Susie was getting out of bed on the other side and trying to get herself standing securely in the narrow space between the bed and the wall.

"What do you need, Mum?"

"I need to see her."

"Okay."

I held her hand as we walked down the hall to her room. We entered the room but stopped just inside the doorway. Chilton was tidying the sheets around her. I noticed he had removed the cannula he had put in just yesterday and had moved away a lot of the extraneous bits and pieces that came along with end-of-life health care. Chilton looked up at us as we entered the room and stepped back out of the way. He was there but not there at the same time, and a detached part of me admired his skill in reading the situation. Mum took another step forward, releasing my hand as she did so.

"Oh, Mum."

She continued towards the edge of the bed and looked down at her. She reached across and brushed a strand of hair from Granny's forehead.

"Oh, Mum. I'm so sorry you had to go through this."

I felt strangely wooden. I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt like I was in the way and that every part of me didn't fit right. Like I was some strange wooden doll that had no real control over itself. I wanted to comfort her, but I sensed that this was a moment she needed to be by herself. It was like I was an intruder, and I felt guilty for being there and possibly interrupting such an important and deeply personal moment. All I could do was stand there and watch.

I sensed Chilton's eyes on me, and I looked up at him but only caught the movement of him looking away. Mum sat on the edge of the bed and held Granny's lifeless hand in her own and just stared at her. I sensed more than heard Susie walk through the doorway behind me. I moved aside to allow her room to come in as well, but she didn't move past me. She placed her hand on my shoulder and sort of pulled me against her in a sideways hug. Without realising I was doing it, I had placed my arm around her waist at the same time. We each kind of leaned on each other in support. After a moment, I looked at her, and she gave me a sideways nod indicating we should leave the room. I took one more look at Mum and realised she was okay. Incredibly sad but alright. I looked up at Chilton, who, in his usual quiet way, had seen pretty much everything that had happened. I didn't say anything, but I knew he could see the questions in my eyes. "Should I leave the room? Will you look out for her? Is she okay?" He nodded and gave me a reassuring look that told me he would take care of her.

We walked quietly out to the kitchen and sat at the table. I was staring at the table, not thinking anything but feeling a great ache in my heart.

"Are you okay, Jeff?"

It took me a moment to realise that Susie had spoken to me, and I had to physically shake myself out of the stupor I was in.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, I'm alright."

"Beth will be okay, too. It'll take time, but if you continue to be there for her, she will be fine."

"Yeah. I just feel so out of my depth with this. I have never dealt with death before, really, and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do or how to feel."

"There is no right way to feel about it. It hurts, and it's immensely sad. I loved that woman dearly for all the things she did for me and all the kindness she showed me over the years. I'm more upset about her passing than I was about my own father's."

"I'm going to miss her. I feel like I got to know her over the last few weeks. I feel bad that I didn't know her properly before this."

"She was so proud of you, and you know, I think she felt the same way you do right now. Sad that she only really got to know you at the end of her life. It's a shame, but there is nothing that can be done about it, and there is no sense in berating yourself for something you had no control over. I'm just glad she managed to get to know you as well as she did, and I'm grateful to her for reuniting Beth and me, too. She had this ability to cut through the bullshit and get to the heart of the matter without hurting your feelings in the process. Some of the best moments of my life were in this house, and she is firmly attached to those memories."

"I wish I had more time with her."

"We all do, Jeff. You made her last days incredibly happy, though, and you should take some comfort and pride in that."

I nodded, but I really couldn't take any form of joy in anything right now.

We sat in silence for a while, each lost in our thoughts, until I noticed the light in the room had changed. The sun had come up and cleared the neighbour's houses. It looked like it would be a beautiful day, but I couldn't take any joy in that, either. Soon after, Chilton walked quietly into the room and sat at the table.

"How's Mum?"

"She's okay. She just needs to be alone with her for a bit. Saying goodbye is hard."

I nodded like I knew, but I had no idea, and I felt like a fraud. Chilton seemed to be able to read my mind, or perhaps I just couldn't mask my feelings very well.

"It's perfectly okay to not know how to feel right now, Jeff. You will feel what you need to feel when you are ready to. It's a shock, even when you are expecting it. I need to talk to you about something now, though. Are you up for a conversation, or do you need me to leave you alone?"

"No, please, give me a distraction; give me something to do."

He nodded as though he understood exactly where I was coming from, and if anyone understood this end of things, it was Chilton.

"I am going to have to make some phone calls soon, once your Mum is ready. I need to organise the undertaker, and I need time to clean up and organise my things. I will be fairly busy today, so if there is anything you need from me, I need you to understand that I may not have a lot of time. I will be coming and going a fair bit this afternoon."

"Yes, of course. Is there anything we can do to help?"

"The best thing you can do is spend this time together. Don't worry about the other stuff; that's what I am here for."

"Thank you, Chilton."

He nodded and patted me on the shoulder.

"You're welcome."

He left the room again, and five minutes later, we were joined by Mum. We all stood together in a silent hug for a few moments, then she sighed deeply.

"I don't know about you two, but I am desperate for a cuppa."

"I'm on it."

I said, grateful to be of some use, no matter how small. I didn't ask Susie if she wanted one; I just made it.

The rest of the day was a blur of phone calls to family and friends, conversations with the funeral home, and even the police because she died at home, not in a hospital. There was a moment of fear and uncertainty when they turned up, but ultimately, it was just a formality.

I felt like I had spent half the day trying to help and the other half trying not to be in the way. It was a case of being busy doing not much, but I burnt a lot of nervous energy in the process.

At one point, I was starting to feel hungry, and when I looked at the clock, it showed that it was five P.M. We had completely missed lunch, and the last of the official visitors had just driven away. The four of us were standing around looking at each other, feeling a bit shell shocked.

"Well, I guess that's as much as I can do now. I should get my things loaded up and head home now."

We all turned to look at Chilton, and I was surprised that I hadn't even thought of that aspect. His job was, after all, officially finished; it only made sense that he would be going home. I had become so used to him being around, though, that it took me by surprise.

Mum was looking at him with a conflicted, almost nervous, look on her face.

"Chilton. I would like to ask something of you. If you don't want to, I understand, and I won't be offended. I would like it if you could share a last meal with us and maybe have a drink or two in Mum's honour. You are welcome to stay the night if you want to have a couple of drinks; it's not like you're not already set up to stay."

She was rambling nervously and almost had to force herself to stop talking. Chilton seemed to think about it for a few moments, as though he was weighing up the professional nature of the situation before he shrugged and then nodded.

"Yeah. I think I would like to have a drink in honour of Liz."

Mum smiled at him and seemed to relax.

"I'm going to order some Thai food. I hope that's alright; I'm just not up to cooking tonight."

"That sounds great. Do you mind if I go have a shower and make another phone call first?"

"Of course. I'll call them in about three-quarters of an hour; is that enough time?"

"Plenty."

He went off to have his shower, and I asked if she minded if I drove to the shop and ordered it instead of having it delivered.

"Okay, are you alright?"

"I'm fine; I just need to get out of the house for a bit."

Later, we were sitting around the table on the veranda. I had cleared the mess away, and we were all just relaxing with a drink and trying to wrap our heads around the day.

"There have been so many times in the last few weeks when you have thanked me for what I have done, even though it is my job to do them. I want you to know that I appreciate the thanks, and I wanted to say thank you to you all as well. Most of the time, families treat me with respect but are distant. I am part of the apparatus and an outsider. It's awkward enough for them knowing how intimately involved I sometimes have to be, and the fact that I am staying in the home as well just adds a layer to that. I have to be so very careful of every move. I haven't had any of that from any of you. Right from the moment we all met each other, things have been relaxed and comfortable. It has made my job a real pleasure, and it has made it a lot easier for Liz, too. I just think you should know that this has not been a typical experience for me."

Mum reached across and put her hand on the back of his.

"It is, quite literally, the least we could do. How could I treat anyone doing so much for my mother with anything less than the same dignity and respect that I would show her? She was blessed to have you, and so were we. We would have all been so lost without you."

"Well, it's been an honour. It's always sad when one of my patients passes away, but I know it's going to happen, going into it. I have to admit, though, that I am going to miss your Mum. She was a real character, and I consider her a friend."

"You meant a hell of a lot to her, too. One of the things we talked about yesterday was just how highly she thought of you. I have something you need to see."

She got up from the table and went inside. When she returned, she had a fresh drink for each of us and a manila envelope with Chilton's name on the front. She passed each of us our drinks and passed the envelope over to Chilton. He looked embarrassed, as though he wasn't sure what he should do.

"What's this?"

"Geez, I thought you were smart. That's called an envelope, and inside it are some pieces of paper with words on them. In some countries, we call it a letter."

She was laying the sarcasm on thick and heavy, and Chilton was laughing along with the rest of us.

"Bloody apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it? Smart asses, the pair of you."

Mum smiled at what she took as a great compliment.

"Just open it up and read it out loud. I wrote it, so I know what it says, but it is word for word what Mum wanted me to write."

He opened it and began scanning the letter silently until Mum cleared her throat.

"Out loud, please."

Chilton blushed and nodded.

"Okay, bossy."

He cleared his throat and began to read.

"Dear Chilton. I wanted to say, formally, just how important you have been to me these last few weeks. I know my time is up, and I'm okay with that. I'm not scared anymore. I realised when it was first arranged for you to be here with me that the thing I was most afraid of was the indignity surrounding my diagnosis. I knew things were going to get messy, both physically and mentally, and that terrified me. As someone who has had to be very independent, it didn't sit well with me to lose that independence. I want to thank you for allowing me to remain as independent as I possibly could along the way.

You have treated me with respect, care, and good humour (a value which is lost on most professionals in the healthcare system). I have come to look forward to seeing you and our conversations every day. You are a very intelligent man, and our conversations have always been interesting and, more often than not, humorous.

I know you were here on a professional level, but I want to thank you for going above and beyond that and being my friend as well.

I know that legally you cannot accept gifts from me; it's a silly law but an understandable one nonetheless. Therefore, as your client, I will not be giving you anything more than my gratitude, which there are not enough words to express.

Beth, however, as a mere acquaintance and friend, can give you whatever she likes. Before you go and argue with a dead woman, remember that not only is that not sane, but it's also rude. Beth made a phone call to her solicitor to make sure that you weren't going to get in any trouble if she gave you a gift. That was fine so long as it didn't exceed a certain value, so as such, please accept this gift from Beth."

You have made an old, dying woman very happy and very relieved, and there is nothing of this earthly realm that would suffice as a payment for that, so all I can offer you is my eternal thanks.

Liz.

P.S. Go out and have some fun; meet a woman you can bring home who will give you the beautiful babies you will make and live a happy life. You have more than earned it, and your mother would want that for you."

He wiped a tear from his eye. As he tried to compose himself, Mum held out another piece of paper. He looked at it as though it might bite him. She smiled and waved it at him.

"Take it, please."

He took it reluctantly, and once he had opened it, his eyes went wide, and he shook his head.

"I can't accept this. It's too much."

"Legally speaking, it's not too much. I had to tweak some things to get it under the legal limit. However, it is quite legitimately not too much."

"But, but, but."

Mum chuckled as she too shook her head.

"No buts. That's three flight tickets. One to England and two back. The ones coming back are business class. I had to make the one on the way over economy, or I would have gone over the limit. The dates are open, but it does need to be used in the next twelve months, and you can't use them during peak season, so I would start organising if I were you. Make sure your mum's passport is up to date and tell her I said she has no excuses. If, after she has been here for a while, she desperately wants to go back there, then I will do what I can to help you fly her back. Give her every reason to stay, though, and I doubt she will want to go back."

"This is too much."

"We have already been over that. It's not, actually. In a very short period, you have come to mean a lot to this family. You were instrumental in helping to reunite our whole strange little family, and you made it possible for us to heal. It's my turn to do the same for you. If you are worried that your employer will get wind of it, all you have to do is tell them you have been saving for years. I'm not about to tell a soul, so neither should you. Liz wanted this for you, and she was very insistent that I make this happen. Please don't deny a woman her final wish."

"I just don't know what to say. Thank you just doesn't seem enough. I feel like I owe you a debt I can never repay."

"There are two things I might ask of you. The first is that you stay in touch. I like you, Chilton, and I think we could be good friends for each other. The other is that I get to meet your mother. Any woman who has raised such a caring, beautiful soul has got to be worth knowing."

Despite his dark complexion, I could tell he was blushing now. He nodded as he smiled.

"Okay, I can do that."

"Promise me you won't waste this opportunity."

"I promise."

She released his hand and sat back. She picked up her glass and looked at us all.

"Now, I would like to propose a couple of toasts."

We each picked up our glasses and looked at her expectantly.

"The first is to friendship, be it old, new, lost, or family. Long may they last."

We all solemnly raised our glasses to each other and murmured in unison.

"To friendship."

We each took a drink and thought for a few moments about the friendships and relationships that meant something to us and how those relationships had changed over the years, especially over the last few months.

"The next toast I would like to make is to Mum. She shaped the woman I have become and impacted each one of us in many ways, some of which we perhaps still don't know. She was a wonderful Mum who pushed through her battles and always stayed a steadfast supporter of me. I couldn't have asked for a more loving childhood. She will remain with me and as a part of me for the rest of my days. May your journey from here be a peaceful, pain-free one, Mum, and I hope you are with Dad again, wherever you are. You are deeply loved; you always have been and always will be. To Liz."​