Incest/Taboo Eleanor Rigby

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned, and I wish I could die!" I wailed into the darkness.

Before I could stop crying, the door to my confessional was opened and Father McKenzie stood over me. He offered his hand to me as he spoke.

"Come with me, Eleanor, please. We need more time and privacy than this confessional can offer. Come with me to my office."

I allowed him to lead me to the front of the dark, lonely church. Then he opened a door to a small room with files and a desk. I sat in the chair he offered and slowly began to compose myself. Finally, the tears stopped and I was able to speak.

"Father McKenzie, I cheated on Ted. He caught me with another man!" I blurted. "Now Ted hates me and asked for a divorce. I want to die!"

"Ted caught you in the act, so to speak, Eleanor?" asked the ancient priest. At my nod he continued.

"Did Ted physically abuse you? Or verbally? Or sexually, when he caught you?" he queried. I shook my head.

"What exactly did Ted do?" questioned Father McKenzie.

"He looked like someone had just plunged a dagger into his heart. Then he quickly walked away. He never said anything, Father. I would have felt better if he had beaten me," I confessed. "I certainly deserved it."

"Was it the next time that you saw Ted that he told you he hated you and asked for a divorce?" prodded the priest.

"Well, no. The next time I saw him was when the car I was in drove into the flooded stream and I was swept away by the floodwaters. I was ready to give up when Ted caught me," I answered, remembering every detail of that dramatic day. "Ted hoisted me up to some men on a bridge as we passed under it. He saved my life, after he had just caught me cheating a few minutes before!"

"I believe I heard about that flooded stream and Ted's heroism," Father McKenzie replied. "I understand his arm was badly broken and your older daughter practically dragged him out of the stream by herself. That was about a week ago, wasn't it?"

"It was six days ago; the longest six days of my life. Ted met with a lawyer while he was in the hospital and had him draw up divorce papers. He gave them to me the morning after he came home," I sobbed. "He told me he used to think I was too good for him, but now he realizes it is he that is too good for me. He wants a divorce. He hates me."

"I see," Father McKenzie nodded as he spoke. "Ted hates you. He jumped into a flooded stream and risked his life to save his horrible, cheating, unfaithful wife. While in the hospital, doped up on all kinds of drugs and in great pain, he made the decision to ask you for a divorce. Did he tell you he hated you?"

"Ted never used those words, but I know he does! How could he not? He would never ask for a divorce if he didn't," I reasoned.

"You thought Ted should accept being a cuckold? You thought that would be demonstrating his love for you?" continued the old cleric. "You thought if he loved you he would accept you sleeping with other men? Is that what you thought when you were being unfaithful to Ted? He should accept everything you do and not complain, and certainly not ask for a divorce?"

"No!" I practically shouted. "I knew Ted would never accept me having an affair! I just never thought about him finding out. I would never hurt him deliberately."

"Excuse me for appearing dense, Eleanor, but how in the world could you think that betraying your husband, your daughters and your entire family, would not hurt Ted? Did you take precautions against disease and pregnancy?" demanded the priest.

I had not expected such a difficult time with Father McKenzie. He had been a family friend, as well as the local priest, for as long as I could remember. He performed the ceremony when Ted and I were married. He had always been kind, gentle, and non-judgmental. Now he seemed to be almost as horrified as Ted had been. Had I made another mistake by confiding in him?

I was not on the pill, so Dan had used a condom. I felt relieved and ashamed at the same time. Somehow it made me feel more guilt, knowing we planned ahead enough to have protection. I pushed that from my mind and spoke to the old man before me.

"Looking back, of course it had to hurt him. There could be no other result," I admitted. "I just blocked those thoughts from my mind when I was with the other man. I just wanted to have a little fling, to prove I was still a desirable woman, and not some old hag."

"Had Ted been less than attentive sexually? Perhaps you felt short-changed by Ted," suggested the priest. "Is he lacking as a lover? Is he possibly not equipped to give you the pleasure you seek in bed? Is he selfish or rough?"

"No! Ted is a wonderful lover. He is very virile, but considerate. His 'equipment' works just fine, Father."

"Perhaps he leaves much to be desired as a provider and as a father to your daughters," countered the old priest in a very irritating manner. "Are you looking for someone that will take better care of you and the girls?"

"Ted is the best husband and father you will ever find!" again I practically yelled. "He supports us extremely well. The girls adore him. I could never find his equal, let alone someone better!"

"No reason to be upset with me, Eleanor," replied Father McKenzie. "I am just trying to determine why you have given up on Ted. Where has he failed that you are willing to end your marriage?"

"I am not willing to end our marriage. He is the one asking for the divorce, not me!" I shot back in desperation.

"You want to stay married and just have lovers from time to time, or do you want to have one long term lover?" questioned the once kindly priest.

"Damn it! I don't want any lovers, ever. I just want Ted to love me! He is all the lover, husband, father and friend I could ever want! Why is that so hard for you to understand?" I exploded.

"The question, I think, should be why has it been so difficult for you to understand, Eleanor?" responded Father McKenzie softly.

I just sat there, too numb to respond. That was the question! Why didn't I realize I had it all, the whole enchilada? Why had I betrayed everyone that I loved, and that loved me, for a fling with a conceited, self-centered jackass?

"Father, do you think I am mentally ill? Could that be why I did such an awful thing? Maybe I should just join an order of nuns and go to some far away place to work with AIDS victims. That would cleanse my soul of sin, wouldn't it?" I asked.

"If you left your family to do that, I would think you are mentally ill. God isn't looking for people that want to torture themselves. People do those things to help others, not as some sick kind of self-determined retribution, or punishment!" preached Father McKenzie. "Come with me for a minute, Eleanor."

I followed him to the door as he stood just beyond it. He pointed to the two-dozen or so people sitting in the church, praying.

"Look at all the lonely people, Eleanor. See Mr. Peak over there? His wife was extremely over-weight. She had diabetes, high blood pressure, and very bad circulation, but that did not stop her from eating everything in sight! She had a massive stroke and died at age 43. He is alone and heart-broken."

"Look at Tom Fiona in front. Every day he comes here and begs God to forgive him for hitting a minivan and hurting two small children, while he was driving drunk. Every night he goes out drinking and drives home! His wife left him years ago and his kids won't speak to him," observed the clergyman.

"To the left is Mrs. Martin. She is a widow at 49. Her husband smoked two packs a day. He died from cancer last year," revealed the old priest.

"The fellow in the last pew is always trying to score oxycontin, except when he is here, in the church. Just two rows in front of him is a woman that has shared needles with every addict within 100 miles. Take a good look. I want you to know where all the lonely people come from! They, or their loved ones, made bad decisions, very bad decisions," he concluded.

"That is the human condition, Eleanor. People mess up all the time, but some learn from their mistakes and some don't. It isn't mental illness so much as it's human frailty. Compared to a fatal stroke from selfishly being a glutton for forty years, driving drunk and hurting others, smoking two packs a day and getting cancer, or risking aids, hepatitis, and/or jail, your offense is minor. There is a chance it can be rectified. That will depend on you, what you have learned, and what you are made of," stated Father McKenzie.

He led me back inside the office and again sat me down. I was trying to absorb everything this wise old man was telling me.

"Frankly, Eleanor, I honestly wonder if you have what it takes. You have always been on top. You've always been a winner. You haven't had to work and struggle when all appeared to be lost. You are being tested, and thus far, you have failed. You yielded to temptation."

He was right! I had always had things my way. I used my looks, abilities, brains, and charm to get everything I had ever wanted. I had never known bad times. Breaking a nail really wouldn't count as hard times.

"The brunt of the test, the most difficult part, is still to come," promised Father McKenzie. "What are you going to do now? Ted asked for a divorce. Do you really believe it was because he hates you? Could it be that you have hurt him tremendously with your betrayal and he doesn't know any other way to respond? You have compromised his masculinity by giving your body to another man. As your husband, he rightly demands that he be the only one to enjoy carnal pleasures with you."

"I have betrayed him, as you keep pointing out. What can I do to change that?" I cried.

"Absolutely nothing, Eleanor. No one can relive the past. Remember the people I pointed out to you in the church? They made bad decisions and had neither the strength nor discipline to change. God will forgive them, and you, for that matter. Your problem is here on earth," he reminded me. " You must decide if you want to stay with Ted. If you do, then you cannot agree to a divorce. You must change your self-centered approach to your life."

"Isn't the decision his, Father?" I asked. "Doesn't he have to want to stay married to me?"

"Correct again, Eleanor," smiled the elderly padre. "Will he find a woman that loves him more than you do? Will he find someone that would give her life for him as quickly and gladly as you?"

"No! Not now, Father. A week ago, I may not have been able to answer that question as honestly," I admitted. "Ted could never find a woman as totally in love and devoted to him as I am now. I know that no such woman could exist. I have been almost wishing that he would find out he needs a kidney, or something, that I could give to him, just to prove my love and devotion. I would gladly give my life for his. He has already risked his life for me."

"That was a wonderful, brave act, by a man in love, Eleanor. You can be certain that you still own his heart, but his mind has doubts. You put them there, and you must be the one to remove them," offered the priest. "You simply have to find out how."

I returned home that afternoon feeling better than I had in a week. Father McKenzie had given me food for thought. I had never doubted Ted's love for me, until he caught me with Dan Wilkens. Had I ended Ted's ability to love me? Could a man love a woman so completely as Ted had loved me, and then turn it off, or convert it to hate, in a split-second? I had to believe he could not; that his love was greater than my selfishness. My life was about to change!

I made a nice dinner and watched television with the girls and Ted. Ted always watched the late news so I waited for the girls to go to bed. Then I decided to let Ted know my decision.

"Ted, I have considered your request for a divorce," I started. "Your offer is very fair and probably much better than I could hope for if you sued for divorce over my adultery. That is what the law calls women like me, Ted. I am an adulterer."

"Ellie, there is no need to even bring that word up. I have told no one and have no intentions of doing so," responded Ted. "The divorce can be uncontested and neither spouse's fault."

"Wrong, Ted. It would always be my fault. We both know that," I quickly explained. "The thing is, I am not giving you a divorce. You will have to push for one and I will fight it every step!"

"Ellie, why make this hard? Do you want a better split? Do you think I have been unfair?" asked Ted.

"Ted, if I wanted a divorce, I would trust you more than any judge to treat me fairly. I know you far too well. Remember I have been your business manager for some time. You are a man of conscience and honor. That isn't always best for business. If it weren't for me, you would be responding to every sob story and emergency tossed your way and never be able to hold a schedule and complete your contracts on time," I laughed.

I couldn't believe it! I had laughed for the first time in a week. I had chartered my course, for better or worse, and I felt relieved. Sticking to it was going to be the tough part.

"So you think I am some schmuck that will let you take me to the cleaners, or worse yet, take myself to the cleaners, Ellie?" questioned Ted.

"Not even close, Ted. I think you love me like no man has ever loved a woman before, and I'm going to return that devotion tenfold. I made a horrible mistake, but that is human. Us humans do that, but hopefully we learn from our mistakes. I am telling you right here and now, that you are the only man I have ever loved and the only man I will ever be with from this point forward," I declared.

"I seem to recall words like that at our wedding, Ellie. Then you took up with lover-boy as soon as he came back to town. Promises are easy. Keeping them is difficult, as you have discovered," goaded Ted.

"Yes, I have, Ted. I expect you to feel that way. It's logical and you are a very logical man. Words I throw out tonight will not prove anything, or change your perceptions of me. Still, I am not leaving and I will not cooperate in a divorce in any manner. I am going to love and cherish you any way I can and convince you that I am the woman for you, the only woman for you. Easy to say, I know. This is one time I am going to fight for what I want, and for what I believe is best for you, and not just me. No woman will ever love you as I do now, and forever more," I added.

Ted was totally stumped. I could see it in his eyes. He had expected me to either agree to his terms for a divorce, or to counter them with terms of my own. He never considered that I would refuse the divorce outright. That placed him in the position of having to file for a divorce and give reasons. I was betting, and praying, that his feelings for his daughters and their grandparents, if not for me, would make him dwell on the decision for quite some time. It was my only chance.

"Now come to bed and I will help you out of those clothes. The doctor was pretty serious when he said you had to be very careful about moving your arm around for a few weeks," I insisted to Ted.

He stared at me for a full minute, then got up and walked into the bedroom. I smiled to myself as I watched the utter confusion he was experiencing.

I would like to say the next few weeks were easy, but they weren't. Ted remained aloof and I had days of fear, and even despair. The one thing I did not do was give up. Days passed and Ted never mentioned what he had decided, if anything, about the divorce. I put on a brave front, but I was scared to death that Ted would finally reach his decision. It was as if I was waiting for the other shoe to fall.

Father McKenzie began stopping at our house on Wednesday evenings. On the first Wednesday he visited, he chatted with the girls for a few minutes and then he and I moved into the kitchen for a quick conference. He went to great lengths to keep my spirits up. It really helped, too.

The second time Father McKenzie visited, we talked for a few minutes and then he went downstairs to the basement to talk with Ted, and to see the entertainment room Ted was still trying to finish. Working with one arm limited his speed and mobility. They were downstairs for a few minutes when Jen joined me in the kitchen.

"Why does Father McKenzie visit us so much, Mom?" she asked. "Is he trying to save our souls or something?"

"I think that might be more accurate than you can imagine, Jen," I told her. "I hope he does."

Jen looked at me oddly. She seemed to consider her next words. Then she simply changed the subject to boys in her class. We were still talking when Father McKenzie stuck his head back into the kitchen. He was wearing a big smile as he bade us good-bye.

Time went by, and Ted's arm was healing nicely. He never mentioned the word divorce again. It was really all I could hope for, but I was faltering. I had lost almost ten pounds from the stress of worrying about my marriage. The first five didn't hurt, but I knew I was beginning to look too thin. Still, I wasn't able to increase my appetite, or weight, and the trend continued.

Helen Drake stopped by often. She never mentioned that day when Ted caught me with Dan, but I knew that she knew. She was a wonderful friend and kept it to herself. She began commenting on my weight loss and seemed genuinely concerned. One evening, as she and I sat and chatted in the kitchen, she brought the subject up again.

"Ellie, you are a beautiful woman, but you are getting too thin! Are you doing this on purpose, or are you ill?" she asked. "I am getting worried about you."

"Thanks, Helen. I have been losing a little weight. It's just that it has been warm lately and I have very little appetite. I'll try to eat more so you won't have to worry," I tried to laugh her comment off and quickly changed the subject.

Shortly after Helen left, Ted wandered into the kitchen. He seemed to be deep in thought. I always tried to be cheerful and upbeat when I was around Ted. He seldom returned any emotion at all, but he wasn't the one trying to gain forgiveness.

"How about some ice cream, Ellie?" suggested Ted. "I'm dishing some up and I'll get some for you."

"Thanks, Ted, but I really don't feel like ice cream right now, but I'll sit with you while you have some," I told him.

Ted came back to the table with two dishes heaped with ice cream. He placed one in front of me and handed me a spoon. He saw the question in my eyes as I accepted the spoon.

"It just seems like I shouldn't be the only one having ice cream," he grinned. "I know how you love Rocky Road."

It was the first time since that terrible day that Ted initiated any sort of interaction with me. I didn't want to ruin the mood so I smiled and began eating the ice cream. As we ate, Ted talked about the girls and how school would be out soon. He thought it would be good if they got summer jobs, just to learn responsibility and money management.

We had a discussion like we used to have and I felt my spirits lift. We sat and shared ideas long after we had finished the ice cream. It somehow became a regular evening ritual. Ted was really putting a lot of ice cream in the dishes, but I was so pleased that he wanted to talk with me that I never complained. He was doing quite well for a guy using his right hand only.

When we went to bed he would slide into bed in his boxers, as he had always done, but he would offer no indication he had any interest in me physically. That hurt a lot because I really needed him to take me in his arms and hold me. I promised myself that if I were ever in his arms again, I would never let him go.

I tried to not be too obvious, but I would be sure to undress where he could easily see me, at least in a mirror. I did catch him looking at my ass and breasts a few times when he thought I couldn't tell. Was he beginning to weaken, at least a little? Could I hang on long enough to win him back? Would it even happen? There were more than a few nights I would lie in bed and cry quietly, long after Ted had fallen asleep. I never let him hear me cry. I always wanted to have a strong and positive attitude in front of him.

It was a Wednesday evening in late May and Father McKenzie was sitting across from me in the kitchen. The girls were doing their homework and Ted was finishing the room in the basement. It had turned out really nice and the girls couldn't wait to invite friends over to use it. Ted was touching up a few places with paint.

"Father, I have a new problem, or at least the old one has come back to haunt me," I revealed. "The man that I, that I, made the 'mistake' with has called me a couple times. He insists I take up with him again. If I don't, he said he would be sure the girls hear about our affair."

"Have you told Ted?" asked the priest.

"I can't tell him! It will bring back memories and discussions of all my horrible behavior and he will just divorce me, for sure," I sobbed. "I told the jerk he could go to Hell. I never want to see him again and certainly not under the threat of blackmail. He is such a miserable shit, pardon my French, Father. If I were a man, I would kick his ass across town!"

"Perhaps he will be gentleman enough to keep this thing to himself, Eleanor," suggested Father McKenzie. "He might be testing you, to see if you want to resume your liaison."

"I wish I could believe that. He told me to be at The Rusty Nail for lunch on Friday, or he was going to send a few letters to my relatives. He said that if Ted weren't a wimp, and if we were going to stay married, he would have looked Dan up by now. He said Ted was either afraid of him, or Ted got off thinking about me with other men!" I recounted.

"I have no option. He can take his letters and burn in Hell! I will never again so much as be in the same room as him!" I promised. "He can eat shit, and die!"

"Under the circumstances, I can forgive your expression of strong dislike for the man," chuckled the old priest. "You have made the right decision and I think it will work out okay. Have faith Eleanor, that your love and devotion are going to be rewarded. God works in strange ways."

Not long after Father McKenzie left, Ted came up and got our ice cream out. He seemed preoccupied, so I didn't press him for conversation. How would he take it when that prick, Wilkens, sent those letters to members of the family? I knew the answer and it wasn't reassuring.

It was Saturday afternoon when Helen Drake dropped in. I had already checked the mail and there were no unusual letters for the girls.

"How is Ted feeling?" asked Helen.

"He seems to be fine, Helen," I forced a smile as I answered. "Why would you ask?"

"Well, I thought he might be feeling a little sore after yesterday. Does he have a shiner or anything?" countered Helen.

"What are you talking about? I am not in the mood for games, Helen!"

"I guess Ted didn't tell you he was at The Rusty Nail yesterday at noon?" grinned Helen.

I felt a knot form in my stomach. Dan wanted me to show up at lunchtime! Did Ted run into Dan? I was afraid to even ask. Of course, I didn't have to ask. Helen could barely contain herself.

"Stan's younger brother, Steve tends bar there. He goes to night school, so he tends bar to help with the bills. He told Stan and me that he recognized Ted when he walked in. They had met a few times at some of our parties, remember?" asked Helen.

I could only nod. My throat was suddenly as dry as cotton.

"Steve said that Ted sat down next some guy in a three piece suit and started chatting him up after Steve brought Ted a beer. Steve was serving another customer when the well-dressed guy cursed and hit Ted in the face! He knocked Ted off the stool and Ted was just barely able to get his feet under himself to keep from falling to the floor. Steve said he tried to get around the bar to help Ted. Everyone there could see Ted had one arm in a sling and felt the other guy was just trying to bully an injured man," chuckled Helen.

How the Goddamn Hell could Helen be laughing? It was probably that miserable fuck, Dan, beating up on Ted!

"This is where it really gets good, Ellie. Ted started toward the guy and the guy kept punching at Ted's face. Ted slapped the guy across the head once. SLAPPED, not punched. Steve said it sounded like a firecracker, only louder. The guy staggered a little and then Ted just bitch-slapped the shit out of the guy, with one hand!"

The guy's face was bloody and he was on his knees, crying like a baby," laughed Helen. "He actually begged Ted to stop. Steve said Ted pulled the guy to his feet and said something in the guy's ear, real low so no one else would hear. Then he shoved the guy toward the door. The man fell, jumped back up, and literally ran out the door. Steve said he would not have believed it if he hadn't seen it himself. Ted just paid his tab and left. He never said a word to anyone else."

Ted in a bar fight? With his broken arm? My head reeled as I considered Helen's story. It could be no coincidence. Ted had to have gone there looking for Dan. Father McKenzie must have told him about Dan's promise to tell the girls and that he thought Ted was a wimp! I thought priests had oaths of silence, or some such horseshit! Thank God Ted wasn't badly hurt!

"Ted came in a little late and went right to bed, Helen. I never actually saw him. He said he had a headache and would be okay in the morning. I had no idea he had been in a fight!" I concluded.

"According to Steve, it couldn't be considered a fight," grinned Helen. "It was an old-fashioned ass kicking!"

Suddenly Helen's demeanor changed and she took my hands in hers as we sat at the table.

"Ellie, I know you are having a bad time of it and I wish I could help, but I know I would be butting in," she admitted. "Stay strong and have faith in Ted. I have never known a man to love a woman the way he loves you. He'll come around."

I could no longer hold back my tears and Helen came around and held me for a long time as I cried like I had promised myself I never would. I couldn't stop thinking of all the pain I had created for Ted. I broke his heart, and his trust in me, then his arm, and now his face took punishment from a miserable shit not worthy to carry his shoes. Was I deluding myself into thinking I was, or could again be, good for Ted? Would he be better off without me? Better off with someone else? Was I just being selfish trying to keep the best man ever seen in my part of the world? Even if he could forgive me, did I deserve his forgiveness and love? My heart ached and my tears flowed.

Ted walked in on us as Helen held me. I saw his left eye was darkened somewhat, but nothing like I had feared. I tried to quickly gather my emotions and stop the flow of tears. Before I was composed, Ted turned and left the kitchen.

"He doesn't talk much these days, does he?" smiled Helen. "He didn't look too bad, though. I guess old Dan doesn't pack much of a wallop, does he? It makes me wonder what that asshole looks like today?"

Things settled into status quo after that. I never heard from Dan again and the girls never received any letters from him. Father McKenzie steadfastly refused to admit he told Ted about Dan wanting me to meet him at the bar. Ted was polite to me, but was still aloof. Sex was not even a consideration. He would have to touch me first, and Ted gave no indication he even wanted to go that far.

My brave words were increasingly difficult to back. The girls sensed something was wrong, but didn't know what it was. I had stopped losing weight, mostly because of all the ice cream Ted and I consumed every night. It crossed my mind that he was trying to fatten me up, but I dismissed that notion as ridiculous.

"Father, I don't know if I can keep this up," I confessed to the ancient priest one evening during his weekly visit. "Ted is civil to me, but nothing more. He doesn't hold me, or even touch me. I am afraid I have lost him."

"Eleanor, I warned you it would be difficult, but you have done better than I thought you would. I can't tell you if you are close to winning Ted back, or even if you ever will. I can tell you that you are doing all you can, and that is admirable. I can see you have grown in character and purpose. Even if all else goes awry, you are an improved person."

"Thanks, I guess, Father. I'm not sure if that should make me feel better, or not," I responded. "Being a better person doesn't really mean very much if Ted doesn't learn to love me again."

The old cleric just nodded.

"I have refused to accept another term as president of the hospital auxiliary. I am supposed to introduce my successor Friday night at the Chamber of Commerce's annual 'Recognition Night'. That is when they laud all the good work done by all the civic-minded organizations in the area. It is my duty as outgoing president to present Helen as the next president."

"You have served long enough, Eleanor. That shouldn't bother you, unless you want to keep the position," stated Father McKenzie. "Is that the problem?"

"No, I really don't care about that position at this point in my life. The problem is that if Ted doesn't go with me, it will be obvious that we are having serious problems. I have been able to make excuses about why I was alone at some functions, with his bad arm and workload, but not this time, Father," I explained. "I am afraid it will become public knowledge Friday night."

"Ted has refused to go with you, Eleanor?" asked the concerned priest.

"I don't even dare ask him!" I moaned. "How can I ask him to not let me look foolish and embarrassed after what I did to him? Why would he even care how much it hurts me to go out in public without him?"

The old priest sat and seemed lost in thought for a few minutes. Then he looked at me and smiled.

"Eleanor, this is part of your test, I think. Do not fail it. It is time to tell Ted how you feel and what you want for him, and your family. Just be candid and see what he says," Father McKenzie concluded.

After Father McKenzie left and Ted came into the kitchen for our ice cream, I broached the subject.

"Ted, I have to go to the Chamber of Commerce meeting on Friday, to present Helen as the next president of the hospital auxiliary. You are out of your cast now and doing very well. I would greatly appreciate it if you would come with me," I began.

I had made mental notes of all the reasons I could give to convince Ted he should go with me. I was prepared for any argument he could produce.

"Okay, Ellie," answered Ted. "What time will we have to leave? Let's take the girls, too."

I almost fell over! Ted not only agreed to go, he wanted to take the girls, too. We would appear as one big, happy family! I couldn't help myself and before I knew it I had my arms around Ted and gave him a kiss on the lips. I felt his hands on my hips, but he neither encouraged nor discouraged me. I slowly pulled away and ran to the bedroom. Ted's lack of response had hurt more than I ever thought it could. I pretended to be asleep when he came to bed.

Friday night, we sat at the table and listened to several speakers as I waited my turn at the podium. I was impressed with the number of people at the event. I had not attended one of these meetings in several years and didn't remember ever seeing so many in attendance. Then my ears suddenly started to burn!

I heard my name mentioned by the speaker. He was supposed to be introducing the 'Volunteer of the Year'! He was telling the crowd what a wonderful job I had done with the auxiliary and how I was a great mother and a wonderful wife! He embellished everything I had ever done and it became very embarrassing. I knew the truth, and he was so far from it! Finally, he finished his rant and asked me to go up and receive my award and "say a few words".

I was numb as I approached the dais. People were calling my name and applauding loudly. I was handed some glass object and directed toward the microphone. I began to crumble inside. It was so wrong! The crowd should be stoning me, not cheering me.

For whatever reason, I suddenly decided to confess my sins. I think it may have been the stress, along with the knowledge that I was so very far from being a good wife and mother. I spoke into the microphone.

"I...I do not deserve this award," I faltered. "I am not what you think I am."

The crowd had gotten very quiet and strained to hear my words. I felt weak and could barely speak, but I continued.

"This award.. it's for good deeds, but I'm not good. I should have drowned, but Ted,...he wouldn't let me."

I realize now I was not making a lot of sense then, but at the time it all just wanted to come out. I saw Ted stand up and I stopped talking. He strode up to the podium. I remember admiring how good he looked in his tuxedo, yet fearing what he would say or do. My legs were trembling and I was getting dizzy as Ted came up to me, right in front of a room full of people. He placed his hands on my shoulders and held me at arms' length as he spoke quietly.

"Ellie, you do deserve the award. You are a wonderful wife and I really do love you. I was stubborn and stupid."

Then he opened his arms to me and I don't remember if I fell, or jumped into them! I buried my face in his chest and clung with all my strength. I remember the crowd cheering and applauding. I felt Ted walk to the microphone with me attached to him like a burr.

"My wife thanks you for this honor. No one deserves it more! However, she will be doing all her volunteering for me for a while. We are going on a two-week vacation with the kids," Ted told the crowd. "Then we will be concentrating on our business and family for a few years."

Then Ted scooped me up with his right arm and carried me back to our table as I clung to his neck. Everyone was laughing and cheering as he made the long walk back. I kept my promise to myself and refused to let him out of my arms. I remember the girls laughing, and then my parents were at our side, trying to talk to me. Ted's parents were there, making a fuss over us, too. Apparently everyone knew I was going to get the award, except me.

When I wouldn't let go of Ted so he could drive us home, my father drove us while my mother followed in their car. The girls discussed my strange behavior as we rode home.

"Do you think Mom is okay?" wondered Audrey. "Will she ever let Dad go?"

"I don't think she ever will, come Hell or high water!" laughed Jen.​