Fantasy Making of a Starship Captain

Mike turned to face Hal. "It's wrong. What we're doing is wrong," he said.

Hal looked at him expectantly.

"But... if I tell Mom and Dad... after all this time... they'll think maybe I wanted to do it. They'll side against me. They are always blaming me when something goes wrong," said Mike. His fingers were all a nervous jumble now.

"What would a Survey Service officer do?" Hal asked.

"He would... he would tell."

Hal nodded.

But despite his conversation with Hal, Mike didn't tell his parents. He feared the inevitable punishment he would receive. He didn't exactly know why what he was doing with Sister Audra was wrong, but he sensed he would be severely punished for it.

Sister Audra didn't only do special prayers with Mike; she also did them with other kids as well. Mike and Harmon Cody and James Blish were her favorites, though. One time when Harmon was doing special prayers with Sister Audra, Harmon's mother showed up unexpectedly! She asked where Harmon was and they all told her that he was in her study with Sister Audra. At that moment Sister Audra came out of the study with Harmon in tow. Harmon's mom saw he was all sweaty and she frowned, but after talking with Sister Audra for a moment she smiled and left again.

Mike wondered what would happen if Harmon's Mom had seen him and Sister Audra wearing their helmets. What would she have said? What would she have done?

Mike still had problems with the kids at school, especially Kevin Landwaster, who was still smacking him around. Kevin seemed to know just how much slapping and physical abuse he could get away with without getting into too much trouble.

Finally Darden took pity on Mike and offered to teach him how to fight.

"You're really going to teach me?" Mike asked.

"Sure," Darden grinned. "Let's go into the backyard and I'll teach you how to fight."

"Don't trust him," said Cautious. "Remember what happened in the forest!"

"But I'm desperate!" said Want To Defend Myself. "Maybe he'll really teach me."

Darden didn't teach him anything. When they got to the backyard, Darden slapped him in the face.

"What was that for?"

"Block it," said Darden. He slapped Mike again.

"Ow!"

"You have to practice blocking," said Darden. He kicked him in the leg.

"Ow!' said Mike again.

Soon Darden was smacking and kicking him all over the place, mockingly yelling out to him, "Block this! Block that!"

Mike started to cry. He yelled "Mom!" at the top of his lungs. His mother opened a window. "Will you kids stop taunting each other?"

Mom never blamed Darden. "Darden's hitting me!" said Mike.

"He asked me to!" said Darden.

"Will you kids get inside? Mike, I know you have homework, and Darden, I want you to help me with lunch. The family is almost here, and we have to get ready."

And that was the end of Mike's lessons with Darden.

The family was coming for lunch. Mike liked Grandpa Brian. Grandpa Brian didn't scold him like his Mom and Dad. But Grandpa Brian didn't always get along with Dad. Mike also had an Uncle Bob on his mother's side and Aunt Flora on his Dad's side. Aunt Flora was bringing her son Matt, who was about his age. Matt was a shy boy who didn't talk much.

Mike liked Matt. Matt wanted to be a farmer when he grew up, but his Dad and Aunt Flora told him it was a fantasy.

Only big companies had farms now, they told him. Big companies with thousands of automated robot laborers. A family farm wouldn't stand a chance, he was told.

But Matt wanted to do it anyway. Mike felt a certain kinship with him, as he was told the same thing, that his dream of joining the Survey Service was a fantasy.

The topic came up again at lunch. "Mike's doing better in school, but he still has that fixation about joining the Survey Service," said Dad.

"No harm in that," said Grandpa.

"There is harm in that because it distracts him from focusing on realistic prospects," said Dad.

"Realistic like what?"

"He could become a social worker, like me. Would you like that, Mike?" Sara asked sweetly.

"No," said Mike flatly.

Mom was a social worker for social workers in the World Government. She helped social workers deal with the stress of being social workers. It was a new program started just a few years ago by the World Government. It was deemed so successful that the World Government was thinking of starting a third layer of caring, positions for social workers for social workers for social workers.

"And believe me, I'd love to have my own social worker," said Mom, after she explained the concept. "Someone to talk about my own problems with-"

"Don't you have a husband for that?" said Grandpa Brian.

"Surrrre," said Mom, looking uncertainly at Dad.

Dad felt the awkwardness of the moment and changed the subject. "I was hoping that Mike would follow in my footsteps and become an economist."

"For the World Government?" Grandpa snorted.

"And why not?" Dad challenged. "It's a very important job. Someone has to set the prices. Someone has to tell companies how many products to make every year."

"I'm old enough to remember a time when companies made those decisions for themselves," said Grandpa.

"And what did we have? Chaos. Inequality," said Dad. "Some people couldn't afford the products. Other people, rich people, paid far too little! Sometimes companies produced too much of a product, or too little. Sometimes they charged prices that were too high, or even worse, too low!"

"Then what luck we're in that we have a benevolent, all knowing government which knows exactly what everything should be priced at," said Grandpa. "However did I buy a pair of socks when I was a kid without the World Government supervising the growing of cotton, the World Government deciding the shape of the sock, the World Government deciding how many socks of each size should be made, and the World Government deciding what price they should be sold at?"

"The World Government does it better. Now we all get socks at affordable prices."

"The stores are still back ordered on Michael's size," said Sara. "The World Government says people selfishly ordered too many socks this year, and it's taking time to compensate for greedy demand."

"You see, Dad? The World Government has it all in hand," said Dad. He watched Val trying to eat her bib. "Val, stop that."

"I'm going to join the Survey Service," said Mike.

"Yes, of course you are," said Dad dryly. "It's a phase you'll grow out of."

"It is not!" said Mike.

"It is," Dad insisted. "Val! Stop eating the tablecloth!"

After lunch Mike told Grandpa about the problems he was having with the other kids who were beating on him.

"And what's being done about it?" Grandpa asked. He looked at the other faces around him, all in silence. "Well?"

"The Principal has been docking their virtue points," said Mom.

"I took him to karate class, but he didn't want to go," said Dad.

"And that's it?" said Grandpa.

"Mike's a Survey Service officer. He'll work it out," said Darden.

Grandpa gave Darden a glare, which made Mike feel good. "I can't believe you're letting this go on." He turned to Mike. "I'll teach you to fight."

"You will, Grandpa?"

"Sure," said Grandpa.

"I don't know," said Dad hesitantly.

"That much is obvious," said Grandpa. He turned to Mike. "We'll start tomorrow. We'll train every day, after school."

"For how long?" Mike asked.

"Until you're able to kick their asses," said Grandpa Brian.

Grandpa Brian didn't teach Mike how to punch. Nor how to kick.

"None of that is very important," said Grandpa Brian. "What is important is timing. Watch this." He tapped Mike on the shoulder. "Why didn't you stop me?"

"I wasn't ready."

Grandpa did it again. "Why didn't you stop me?"

"I still wasn't ready!"

Grandpa did it again. This time Mike raised his arm to block, a few seconds too late.

"What's your excuse now?"

"You're too fast!"

Grandpa gave a dry laugh. "If a 70 year old man is too fast for you, there's no way you're Survey Service material."

That stung Mike. Suddenly, he realized he had to do better.

"Focus on my hands. Watch my hands."

And then Grandpa started to attack him, slowly at first. Mike easily blocked him. But then Grandpa went faster. Mike studied his hands, and started blocking. Before long he was blocking Grandpa even when he struck out quickly.

"That was easy," said Mike. He thought back to his ponderous karate classes. "Why has no one ever taught it to me like that?"

"Because no one has brains," said Grandpa. "Just remember, though, that in a combat situation, when you're wrestling with nerves, and fears, it's going to be different. We're going to train you so that it's all automatic, so you won't panic when you're in a real fight. Got it?"

Mike got it.

In a short week's time, Grandpa thought he was ready.

"Now I can fight them!" said Mike.

"Whoa! You can't take on three guys in a fair fight," said Grandpa.

Mike looked questioningly at Grandpa.

"If you must take on three guys, take them on in an unfair fight. A decidedly unfair one," said Grandpa, smiling wickedly.

"Hey Space Cadet. Ready to suck my space dick?"

Mike turned away from his locker. This is how it always began. He saw Kevin Landwaster standing there, with a big grin on his face. Behind him were Danny Martini and Roger Spumonte.

"Yes," said Mike.

"What?" said Kevin.

"Whip it out," said Mike, standing up slowly. "I am now ready to begin sucking your Space Dick."

Kevin looked startled. He looked back at Danny and Roger.

"What's wrong, Kevin? Don't you want to show me your Space Dick? That's all you've been talking about for months. Whip it out, I want to suck it, right now."

Something wasn't right here, but Kevin couldn't back down now. He slowly spread his legs and opened his zipper. He reached inside and pulled out a ribbon of flesh. "Suck it," he said, some of his confidence returning.

Mike looked down at Kevin's thing and smiled at him, which made Kevin realize even more that something was horribly, horribly wrong. And then just as he was about to put his thing back in his pants, Mike kicked with all his strength between Kevin's outstretched legs.

Kevin fell to the ground, screaming.

Before Roger and Danny could react, Mike lunged forward and punched Roger in the face. Roger clutched his face and screamed as blood shot from his nose.

And then it was Danny and Mike. Danny parried Mike's attack and punched back. Mike parried his attack and launched another of his own. A crowd started to gather and watch. Mike blocked every one of Danny's blows, but Danny didn't block all of his. In seconds Danny was on the ground, while Mike was kicking him in the ribs.

"Ow, my ribs!" Danny cried.

"Ow my nose!" Roger cried, clutching his bloody nose.

"Ow my balls!" Kevin cried, clutching between his legs.

Mike kept kicking and punching them, even after they were down, until teachers arrived to restrain him.

Mike was pulled out of school for two weeks. He wasn't suspended, since suspensions were no longer allowed, but he was pulled out of school. He lost all his virtue points for the remainder of the year. His parents were horrified by what he had done.

"You broke the ribs of one boy," said his father. "You broke the nose of a second boy. And the third...." His voice fell off.

"You broke his testicle," said Sara. "Kevin Landwaster had to go to the hospital to have a robotic testicle put inside of him."

Mike laughed.

"That's not funny, young man!" said Sara. "I don't know what's gotten into you! You acted like an animal."

"They were hurting me, and no one was helping," said Mike.

Sara and Edwin exchanged guilty looks.

"And so the Survey Service took care of them," said Mike.

"No, son," said Edwin. "The Survey Service doesn't do that. They don't use disproportionate force."

"Dispro..."

"Disproportionate," said Edwin. "It means that they don't use more force than necessary. If you really do want to join the Survey Service someday, you need to realize that."

But the lesson went unheeded by Mike. They were three against one. He had to stop Kevin and Roger quickly so he could take on Danny. This was the only way.

After that, kids still avoided him in school, but they looked at him differently. With respect. And fear. No one ever called him Captain Taylor or Space Cadet again, at least, not to his face. As the kids stood apart from him at the bus stop, Mike sensed that he had somehow risen above them.

At choir practice, Sister Audra called Mike in during their first break. Mike sighed. There would undoubtedly be another tingling session. He already found them boring beyond belief.

But Harmon Cody tugged at his sleeve. "Don't go," he whispered, even as Audra left for her private study.

"What?" said Mike.

"Don't go," Harmon pleaded with him.

"I have to go, Sister Audra called me," said Mike. He frowned as he got up and followed her into her study.

Within moments she had strapped the silver helmet onto his head, and then her own. Mike again had the sense that she was doing something wrong, though he couldn't quite define why. As he started to feel the tingling, he heard a door opening and a voice yelling, "Oh my Goddess!"

Mike turned, to see Harmon Cody's mother standing there, looking accusingly at them, with her mouth hanging open.

"My poor baby! My poor poor baby!" Sara sobbed, her face streaming tears, as she held Mike tightly. She looked at him in the face. "Why didn't you tell us? Why didn't you ever tell us?"

Before he could answer, Mike's father snarled. "I warned you! I warned you half of those so-called priestesses were fucking Headophiles! I could smell that one was a fake lesbian from miles away!"

"Oh, my poor, poor baby," said Sara. "Don't worry, we'll get you the best doctors. The best therapists. All the help you could possibly need!"

"But Mom, I'm fine. Really," said Mike. "It was just a little tingling. Kind of boring, actually...."

"Tell it to me again."

Mike was sitting in Doctor Shimona Schmaltz's office. Doctor Schmaltz was a kindly dark haired woman with unruly curly hair which flopped around her shoulders.

"I told you already."

"Tell me, again."

"She put helmets on us. I felt a tingling. She started gasping like a fish. That was it."

Doctor Schmaltz said, "All of it? Think hard, Mike."

Mike grimaced. "That's all of it."

"What about your shame, Mike? What about your feelings of humiliation? Your feelings about being so intensely violated?"

"Violated? She just... it was just tingling," said Mike.

"No Mike, it wasn't." Doctor Schmaltz leaned forward. "You were violated. Intensively."

"I was?"

"Yes Mike, you were." Her face darkened. "You were scarred for life."

"I was? I mean, I am?"

Doctor Schmaltz nodded, and Mike could see she was starting to cry. "You were. Terribly, terribly scarred."

"But... Doctor Tainsky looked at me down there, and he didn't see anything missing-"

"I don't mean physically, Mike," said Doctor Schmaltz, grabbing his hand. "I mean psychologically."

"Psycho-"

"Logically," said Doctor Schmaltz. "For the rest of your life, you'll never look at women the same way. You'll have huge inadequacy issues."

"I will?" said Mike.

"Yes," said Doctor Schmaltz. "You'll think you're damaged goods. You'll think no normal woman would ever want you. You'll never be able to enjoy sex, or have a healthy relationship with a girl. You... you..,.." Doctor Schmaltz started to break down, and cry more rapidly now. Mike reached over and plucked a tissue out of her electrodispenser.

"Thank you," she said, after she blew her nose. "Don't worry about this, Mike. We'll get you through this. We'll help you heal as best you can. Although you will always carry the terrible emotional scars which will run deep in your psyche, which will give you nightmares every night, we're going to help patch your life back together, you and I."

And true to her word, Doctor Schmaltz helped him. After several sessions Mike started to be convinced that something terrible had happened to him. More than that, he began to feel like something was wrong with him. When he got his first nightmare, Doctor Schmaltz cried and hugged him and called it a "tremendous breakthrough". Mike was glad she didn't ask what the nightmare had been about; it had been about Doctor Schmaltz, crying like a crazy woman.

His family started treating him differently too. Mom no longer yelled at him and would burst into tears at odd moments. His father became incredibly gentle with him and treated him like a retard. His sister Val would put something in her mouth every time she saw him. And Darden, well, Darden finally gave him sympathy.

"My poor, poor broken brother," said Darden. "I feel so badly for you, what you suffered through."

"You do?" Mike asked.

"Sure I do. To be abused, by Sister Audra, so terrible... but tell me, brother, do you dream about her pleasuring you?"

Mike smacked him in the face. Darden, looking shock, slapped him back. Their father had to separate them.

Before long Mike's life had come to a complete stop. He was no longer going to school. He was no longer going anywhere. When his mother would invite him to go out for walks, he would refuse. He felt very lethargic. He lay in bed, day dreaming or sleeping most of the time.

One day Grandpa came to visit, and Mike heard them yelling downstairs. He wondered what it was all about.

And then Grandpa came upstairs to see him. "How're you doing, Mikey?" he asked.

"I don't know," said Mike, lying down in bed.

Grandpa sat down in a chair by his side. "I hear that something terrible's happened to you, Mike my boy."

"Yes," said Mike. "I'm scarred for life. Doctor Schmaltz says I'm an emotional..." he tried to remember. "An emotional cripple."

"Oh, how terrible for you," said Grandpa. He sat for a long moment, saying nothing. Then he said, "I guess this means that you've given up your plans."

"Plans?"

"To join the Survey Service. They don't take emotional cripples in the Survey Service, you know."

Mike stiffened. During all his self-pity, he had never considered that. Thoughts of the Survey Service had been driven from his mind.

"I can send them a letter from you, if you like," said Grandpa.

"A letter?"

"Telling them that you've given up on your quest to join the Survey Service," said Grandpa. "They'll be quite relieved, really. They only have so much room per class for new students."

Mike sat up in bed. "No, Grandpa, don't do that!"

Grandpa looked confused. "But how do you intend to join the Survey Service if you're an emotional cripple?"

"I... I don't know."

"Mike," said Grandpa. "If you do somehow join the Survey Service some day, you're going to have to be able to get over a lot worse things than a tingling from a Headophile."

"I will?"

"Yes," said Grandpa. "You have to be tough, really tough. Do you think Captain William Burgess would have quit the Survey Service if he had gotten tingled by a woman!"

"No!" Mike stiffened at the name. He hadn't even known that Grandpa had ever watched Survey Trek.

"Would Captain William Burgess be crying in his bed and feeling sorry for himself if he had gotten tingled by a girl?"

"No!"

"What would he be doing if the same thing had happened to him?"

Mike thought rapidly. "He would be down... for a while. But he would recover by the end of the episode, and be in command again." He felt Grandpa's eyes on him. "You're saying if I want to get out of this, I have to be strong, like him."

"It's your choice," said Grandpa, getting up and going to the door. "A word of advice, Mike."

"What, Grandpa?"

"Never let other people tell you how you feel. Not a school counselor. Not a World Government psychiatrist. And certainly not your parents."

And then he was gone.
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