Fantasy Phantom

"What about it?" said Sophie. "To be honest, after living with the Doctor for a few years, men come across as boring. Two dimensional. What could any man possibly say to me which could be as interesting as the Doctor?"

The Doctor gave an embarrassed smile. "You flatter me, Sophie. You can't expect to find sophisticated men here on the Isle of Man. One of these days we'll go to London, or Amsterdam, and find you a proper gentleman."

Sophie gave him a pointed stare. "Where you'll sell me, like a horse, to the highest bidder. No thanks, Doctor." she said. She chewed a bit more, and turned her attention back to Alyssa. "So you... you have a ghoul inside of you?"

"We prefer the term kalak," said Alyssa defensively. "But at the moment-"

"At the moment she does," said the Doctor. "The ghost inside of her is named Alanna."

"Alanna," said Sophie, giving Alyssa a keen stare as she continued to chew on her meat. "She's the one who kidnapped you. What does she want with you, Doctor?"

"She... she wants me to go on a mission for her. To eliminate a bad ghoul," said the Doctor.

Sophie gave a bitter laugh. "A bad ghoul? That' s a joke if I ever heard one." She gave Alyssa a piercing stare. "And you really have one of those things inside you, right now?"

"She does," said the Doctor quickly.

Sophie's eyes narrowed as they flickered back and forth from the Doctor to Alyssa.

"So who am I talking to now, you, or the ghoul inside of you?" Sophie asked.

Alyssa looked helplessly at the Doctor, a glance that Sophie picked up on.

"You're talking to Alanna," said the Doctor.

"Why do you do that, Doctor?" Sophie asked, as she speared some lettuce with her fork.

"Why do I do what?" The Doctor asked.

"Every time I ask her a question, you answer it. Why is that?" Sophie asked. There was suspicion in her eyes.

"She's not the most articulate person," said the Doctor.

"Hey!" said Alyssa.

"Well, it's true," said the Doctor. Suddenly he noticed his hands moving, of their own accord, for the salad bowl. He watched as his hands started to pour a portion of salad for himself.

What are you doing?

I thought you could use some salad.

And I thought you weren't going to take control of me except in emergency situations. Is salad an emergency?

You really should eat something besides meat, Doctor.

Sophie's eyes squinted as she saw the Doctor put salad on his plate. "What're you doing, Doctor?"

"What am I doing?" the Doctor asked. "What am I doing?" he asked himself. He picked up his fork. "I know! I'm eating salad." He speared some cucumber, and put it in his mouth, trying not to make a face.

Sophie's scowl grew deeper. "You never eat salad."

"Of course I do," said the Doctor, chewing slowly.

"Never."

"You're mistaken," said the Doctor.

"Am I?" said Sophie.

"I had some a few years ago."

Sophie's eyebrows converged. "What's going on, Doctor?"

"What do you mean, what's going on?" the Doctor said innocently, as he put a forkful of lettuce to his mouth.

"What I mean is that you're not acting like yourself, this ghoul isn't answering any of my questions, the ghouls captured you, and apparently just let you go, and here you are, sitting in front of me, telling me everything is all right... while you're eating SALAD." Suddenly a pistol was in Sophie's hand, a kind Alyssa was unfamiliar with, and it was aimed straight at him. "Who are you, and where is the Doctor?"

"Wait!" said the Doctor, putting his hands up.

"Stop!" Alyssa cried. "He is the Doctor!"

"Are you?" Sophie asked, with uncertainty in her eyes.

"I am," said the Doctor.

"But if you weren't the Doctor, you would also say that," said Sophie.

"But I were the Doctor, I would also say that," said the Doctor. He saw the hesitancy in her eyes. "Sophie, I really feel silly having my hands up like this at the dinner table. Would you mind very much if I reached into my pocket for a girl ball?"

"It is you!" Sophie lowered her weapon. "Doctor, what is going on here?"

The Doctor reached into his pocket and pulled out a girl ball. "Brunette," he murmured, as he put it in his mouth and started sucking. It tasted good.

"He is the Doctor," Alyssa confirmed.

"Yes, I am me. But I already knew that," said the Doctor. "You're right, Sophie. The ghouls didn't simply release me. I know too much now. So in order to get my freedom I had to agree... to agree to...." His voice faltered.

"To what, Doctor? What did you have to agree to?" Sophie asked.

"He has Alanna inside of him," said Alyssa silently.

Up came the weapon again. "Doctor!" she cried.

"It's me! Sophie, It's me it's me it's me," said the Doctor. "Sophie, it doesn't control me."

"Then who was just eating salad a moment ago?" Sophie demanded.

"The ghoul is inside me, but promises to only take action in emergency situations," said the Doctor.

"And salad is an emergency situation?" Her eyes narrowed.

"To a vegetarian, I suppose," said the Doctor. "Listen, Sophie. It's only temporary. When this mission is over, the ghoul will leave me. It promised."

"It did. And you believe it?" Sophie asked.

"I didn't exactly have a lot of choice at the time," said the Doctor. "But believe me when I say that this is me, talking to you now. Alanna can't possibly know all the things that we've shared. She couldn't possibly imitate my personality that you know so well. Believe me, Sophie it's really me."

The pistol wavered for a few moments, and then went down. "All right," said Sophie. "So Alanna is in you..." She turned to Alyssa, "and what are you doing here?"

"I am here to assist in the search for the Penguin."

"We're searching for a penguin?" said Sophie cynically.
​

*********​

The two men were staring at holos of the Doctor and Sophie. One of the two men was the Penguin. The other was a man named Jack. To call either of them men would be only a loosely descriptive term; it would be better to say that they were, at the moment, in man-form. The left half of the Penguin's body was white; and the right half was black.

When the Penguin had first gotten in touch with Jack, his first thought had been to enlist Jack in his primary mission. He realized that all he needed was another kalak, and he would be able to launch the Nova Missiles and destroy the world.

But Jack wasn't interested in that. He liked killing, as the Penguin did, but he only liked to do it in person; if he couldn't see the faces of the people he was killing, he wasn't interested.

And so the Penguin's only hope was to recruit him for his secondary assignment, as they both stared at the holos of Sophie and the Doctor.

"Her name is Sophie Janssen. She is the Doctor's companion," said the Penguin.

"Pretty girl," Jack commented.

"She is to die. All the ones the Doctor loves are to die, first. I want him to suffer, just as I made him suffer before. Once all those he cares for are eliminated, deal with him," said the Penguin. He saw Jack staring at the holo of Sophie intently. "Is that a problem?"

"No," said the kalak of Jack the Ripper. "No problem at all."
​

*********​

The Doctor staggered into the bathroom after dinner and looked at his bloodshot eyes in the holographic mirror. It had been a long flight, and an even longer day.

I think Sophie took that rather well.

"She's depended on one person for all her formative years. Me. She's looked up to me as her guardian and protector. And now you've turned me into a monster in her eyes," said the Doctor.

That was not my intent. I have no desire to break the bond between the two of you.

"Your intentions are always admirable," the Doctor commented. He looked into the mirror. "Well?"

Well what?

"I want to take a shower and use the facilities," said the Doctor.

So?

"So... would you mind if I had a little privacy?"

Are you asking me to leave your body, Doctor?

"Just for a few minutes."

Oh, no, Doctor. Once I leave your body, you may not let me back in again.

"Does it matter if I say I promise to let you back in once I leave the bathroom?" the Doctor asked.

I'm sorry Doctor but our trust doesn't extend that far.

The Doctor looked at the toilet. "You... you expect me to... with you watching?"

Believe me, Doctor, I've seen everything. I've been inside Samaritans for years.

"You're without shame," said the Doctor simply. He grimaced, and then shook his head. He had no choice. He slowly removed his trousers and then his underwear and squatted over the toilet. As he did so, two tubes came swiftly out of the toilet. Both had masks at the end of them. One of them fitted neatly over the crack between the Doctor's buttocks; the other fitted snugly over the head of his penis.

Doctor, what is this?

"You've never gone to the bathroom before?" the Doctor asked. "Aaaaah" he said, as a liquid stream emerged from the tip of his penis into the snug tube.

Not like this. Is this another one of your inventions?

"Yes," said the Doctor. "It is the one advantage you women have over us. You shoot out straight down like a laser beam. Men, on the other hand, spray outwards like old fashioned shotguns. It goes everywhere. I hate cleaning bathrooms. This way there is never anything to clean." The Doctor made a face as he squeezed down with his anus. "Ah... ah... ah......" there was a plopping sound, and then a bulge started moving down from the tube connected to his asshole.

"This is so humiliating," said the Doctor.

It's a perfectly natural biological function.

"But not one meant to be watched with a live audience," said the Doctor, watching the bulge sink down into the toilet. He stood up and the connections were broken. "I suppose you're going to watch me shower as well."

I promise not to look.

"Ha!"

But Alanna couldn't keep her promise as she watched through the Doctor's eyes. The Doctor was tended to by another of his inventions, what he referred to as a Shower Snake, a seemingly self intelligent hose which moved up and down his body, spraying foam and water as needed. The Doctor gave an aaaahh of appreciation as warm water bathed his genitals. Alanna moved his head down slightly and saw the Doctor's organ of reproduction. Even flaccid it had good length and thickness. And it was so hairy! The Doctor had rich dark curls down there, much darker than the curls on his head. And underneath Alanna could see the Doctor's testicles. They looked enormous to her, even bigger than Clarence's, and Clarence had been a large black man.

The Doctor frowned, not realizing why he was looking downwards. He looked away, and the shower continued.

When it was done, the Doctor went to his bedroom. By now Alanna was no longer surprised that it was on the ceiling, nor that the Doctor didn't fall out when he got into it. But she was surprised by the tube coming out of the headboard, aimed at the Doctor's head.

What is that?

"A mental numbing field," said the Doctor, lying his head against the pillow.

Energy waves started to come out of the tube, sinking into the Doctor's head.

Why do you need that?

The Doctor's thinking slowed down rapidly. In seconds, he had the brain of a retarded person. "It... helps... me....." and then he dropped off to sleep.
​

*********​

Good morning.

The Doctor blinked rapidly, looking down at the room below him, as he tried to figure out where the voice was coming from. He had had the most terrible dream, that a ghoul had entered his body and-

Did you sleep well?

It was no dream. Memory came back to him in a flood.

"Did you?" the Doctor asked in return, stretching as he got out of bed, his feet planted firmly on the ceiling.

I don't really sleep.

"I didn't think so," said the Doctor, walking down a side wall onto the floor. "One of the many advantages of being dead, I suppose."

I'm not actually dead. I'm life in another form. Psychic energy.

"I hope that's working out well for you," said the Doctor, heading into the bathroom slowly. He was about to be humiliated, again.
​

*********​

As the Doctor got dressed, Alanna asked, "Why do you wear those old fashioned clothes?" For a moment the Doctor was startled to hear his words coming out of her mouth.

"What, you mean these?" said the Doctor, referring to his pants, his boots, and his buttoned down shirt.

Buttons. Clothes made of cotton. These things went out of style centuries ago.

"Yes, and what do people wear nowadays, hm?" said the Doctor, as he finished buttoning his shirt. "Clothes made of plastic. Or metal extract. People look like shiny control panels, not human beings."

Alanna laughed in his head. You're funny sometimes, Doctor.
​

*********​

Sophie seemed relieved to see the Doctor at breakfast. It was as if she worried that Alanna might have carried him off in the night against his will. But he still saw the look of concern in her eyes.

"I'm fine. Really," said the Doctor. "Did you sleep well, dear?"

"Um," said Sophie noncommittally as she brought breakfast to the table.

Do you always make her cook for you, Doctor?

She likes doing it for me.

As they ate, Sophie frowned at Alyssa, and gave the Doctor uncertain looks, and brief smiles.

After breakfast, they got down to business.

"So, what can you tell me about this Penguin," said the Doctor, going into the study. He was sitting in a chair on one wall, Alyssa was sitting in a chair on the floor, and Sophie was sitting on a recliner on the ceiling, looking down at them all. Her dark hair and heavy Dutch breasts pointed downwards.

"First, I must teach you about the true nature of kalaks," said Alanna, speaking through the Doctor's mouth.

Sophie looked startled.

"Yes, she does that now," said the Doctor, making a face.

"It is the only way to communicate with all three of you. Unless, Doctor, you wish to repeat every word I think to you, accurately this time."

"No, you go right ahead," said the Doctor.

"Thank you," said Alanna.

Sophie noticed that when Alanna spoke through the Doctor, it was subtly different. The pitch of the Doctor's voice was the same, but the tone was different, more calmer and smoother than the Doctor's.

"There are many different kind of kalaks, what you call ghosts," said Alanna.

"Are there?" said the Doctor.

"Yes," said Alanna. "Most kalaks are not harmful as you know it."

"I'll have to take your word for it," said the Doctor.

"Some kalaks are what we call Apparitions," said Alanna. "They can be seen and heard, but they are very weak, and unable to take a host."

"Your typical haunted house ghost."

"Perhaps you might call them that," said Alanna. "Those of us with average powers are called kalaks, although in a sense we are all kalaks. But even among kalaks some are more powerful than others."

"Are kalaks powerful enough to take over peoples' minds?" the Doctor asked. Sophie no longer had any trouble distinguishing from when the Doctor was speaking and when Alanna was speaking through him. There was a difference in their speaking style! It reassured her that her Doctor was still in there, somewhere.

"Yes," said Alanna. "But it is forbidden by the Three Laws."

"The Three Laws?" said Sophie.

"The Circle of Ghouls has an ethical code, Sophie," said the Doctor. "They are not allowed to make their presence known, they are not allowed to interfere with people's lives, and the third one... what was it again?"

"That they are not allowed to harm hosts in any way," said Alanna.

Sophie sat up abruptly. "But... you're violating your own laws right now, by controlling the Doctor. He's aware you're inside of him, and you're interfering with him," said Sophie.

"And causing me great harm," the Doctor added.

"That is not true, Doctor," said Alanna sternly. She looked up at Sophie. "It is true I am riding in the Doctor."

"Riding." The Doctor grimaced. "Can we please find a better word than that?" said the Doctor.

"I am inside of him, but these are exigent circumstances. The Penguin must be stopped."

"Who is this Penguin?" Sophie asked.

"A kalak who is a mass murderer. I was about to explain more , before the Doctor interrupted me," said Alanna.

"Oh, please forgive me for interrupting myself," said the Doctor.

Alanna suddenly felt flustered. "Where was I? Yes. There is a third class of kalaks called Phantoms. Phantoms are the strongest of our order, but they are very rare."

"The rarer the better. I hope I never encounter one," said the Doctor.

"I have the honor of being a Phantom, Doctor," said Alanna.

"Wonderful," said the Doctor.

"When you resisted other attempts to apprehend you, I was sent to retrieve you. Doctor, I have a question for you, and it is very important. Can you tell me how you are able to resist being taken as a host? We have never encountered anyone quite like yourself."

"Yes, I'm sure you haven't," said the Doctor. There was a pause. "Oh, was that a real query? I'm sorry, I thought you were asking a rhetorical question." He gave a toothy smile. "Go on, you were talking about your precious ghouls."

"Kalaks, doctor," said Alanna sternly. "As I have said, there are three kinds of our people, Apparitions, kalaks, and Phantoms. We obey the three laws for the most part, but of course there are always a few who stray."

"Just a few," said the Doctor.

"We all have the right to enter people as hosts, and experience what they experience. It is how we live."

"As parasites."

"The host is not harmed; indeed, the host is never even aware of our presence," said Alanna.

"Never?"

"Except in those rare times when the kalak inside the host gets carried away by emotions," said Alanna.

"Very rare times."

"Most times there is no malice attached to it. After all, kalaks were once human. We are the minds, so to speak, of dead people, transmuted into psychic energy. We have feelings and needs like everyone else," said Alanna.

"I'm happy for you."

"For those kalaks who transgress in... minor ways, we apprehend them and set them straight. Some misguided individuals even believe they can use their powers to assist their hosts. They call themselves Guardians. However well intentioned, even this kind of intervention is forbidden. The Circle polices all violations of the Three Laws, however well intentioned."

"What a relief to know," said the Doctor. He looked up at Sophie, who was smiling down at him.

"And then there are the few, the truly few, who don't have good intentions. In fact, they are quite malign," said Alanna.

"Do you mean to tell me... that there are actually evil ghosts?"

Sophie gave a bitter laugh. Her family, like the Doctor's had been wiped out by a ghoul.

"It is no laughing matter," said Alanna sternly. "Some of them are merely Specters. They do not seek to cause evil, but in pursuit of their own pleasures, they care not whether they help or harm others."

"I think we've met a few of those," said the Doctor. "Briefly, at least."

Alanna ignored the obvious implications of that. "But among the truly evil, Lemures are the most common. They are also among the weakest."

"Lemures? Do they have striped tails and hide in trees?" the Doctor asked.

Sophie laughed again.

"It is no laughing matter, Doctor. A Lemure cannot control a host, but it can influence them. They are very wily, and can often get hosts to do their bidding without hosts even realizing what they are doing."

"Is this... Penguin, a Lemure?"

"No, he is not," said Alanna firmly. "After Lemures, the next most powerful malign entities are Shades and Fiends. Shades can often take control of hosts against their will."

"Well, you must be a Shade, then," said the Doctor.

"Do not say that, even in jest, Doctor," said Alanna. "After Shades are Fiends. Fiends are even more powerful than Shades. They are the kalaks of people who died with great anger in them. They are capable of doing great harm in the bodies they inhabit."

"And is this Penguin a Shade or Fiend?" the Doctor asked.

"No," said Alanna. "He is the most powerful... and the most rare kind of malign entity. He is a Poltergeist."

"What does that mean?" the Doctor asked sharply.

"A Poltergeist can take control of any host it wants to. Anyone," said Alanna. "A Poltergeist, however, doesn't actually need a host. It can take physical form. It can appear as a solid person. It is also rumored to have other powers."

"And let me guess," said the Doctor. "This Penguin... he's this most powerful kind of evil ghoul. A Poltergeist."

"Exactly," said Alanna. "We have been tracking him for years. He has been responsible for the deaths of many innocents, both people and kalaks. Two months ago, we received a message from him. It was in four words. 'The Earth will burn', he said. Two weeks ago, he tried and narrowly failed in an attempt to launch Nova Missiles from a US Air Force base. He will undoubtedly try again. He must be found, and stopped."

"Then stop him," said the Doctor.

"We have tried," said Alanna. "We have sent several Ghost Hunters after him. None have returned."

"Ghost Hunters?"

"Kalaks who can sense the presence of other kalaks."

"You mean... you can't tell when other ghouls are around?" the Doctor asked.

"It depends," said Alanna. "Kalaks have the ability to dim themselves to varying degrees. They can reduce their psychic output. Many can escape detection, especially if they are in a host. There are also rumored to be some kalaks who are Silences."

"Silences?"

"Kalaks who are absolutely undetectable, even when operating at full strength."

"So... you're like stealth fighters," said the Doctor. "Even you can't detect each other."

"Not any more, especially now that we have no more Ghost Hunters," said Alanna. "Alyssa here can sometimes detect Kalaks at very close distances. It is a gift that some Samaritans develop over time. But she would have to be in the same room with them, and even then detection is not guaranteed."

"That's why you brought her along. And I thought it was for her charming personality."

"Alyssa has been my Samaritan for the past seven years, Doctor. I have a strong emotional connection to her, just as you do to Sophie."

Sophie blushed and looked away.

Alanna resumed speaking. "Doctor, we know that you somehow have the ability to locate kalaks. It was hoped that you would be able to find the Penguin."

The Doctor considered, and slowly nodded. "I might. But first, I would need to be either in a place where this Penguin was, or see something he touched."

"Alyssa," said Alanna.

Alyssa stood up and drew something out of her handbag. It was a pistol. The Doctor looked startled to see it. "I didn't know followers of the She Goddess routinely carried compression pistols."

"They don't," said Alyssa. "This was retrieved from Grand Forks Air Force Base. It is believed the Penguin used it in the commission of his attack." She handed the pistol over to the Doctor, reaching upwards as he was sitting on a chair on the side wall.

The Doctor slowly cupped the pistol in his hand, and took a device out of his pocket, and held it to the pistol. "How long ago did he touch this?"

"Approximately two weeks."

The Doctor shook his head. "Not good."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm no ghoul," said the Doctor. "I don't have the innate ability to detect ghosts like your Ghost Hunters. Instead, I rely on technology. Come with me."

He got up, walked down a side wall onto the floor, and led them to another part of the Dome, a big spacious room with control panels and a holographic display of the world above them. On it were a series of red dots.

"What are these?" Alanna asked.

"Each one of those is a ghoul," said the Doctor.

Alanna felt a surge of surprise. "How can you know that?"

"Psychic energy is still energy," said the Doctor. "If you have the proper instrumentation, it can be detected."

"And you do?" Alanna asked.

"I do," the Doctor confirmed. "63 miniature satellites in orbit, scanning the globe for ghouls even as we speak."

Alanna tried to absorb the significance of this. "So... this is how you hunt kalaks," said Alanna, looking up at the virtual globe in horror. That's how he was so successful. The Doctor could go and kill any kalak he liked at any time. Anyone.

"Yes," said the Doctor.

"So... can we use this surveillance system to locate the Penguin?"

"If only it were that simple," the Doctor sighed.
​

********​

732.

That was the number of distinct psychic energy strands that the Doctor had detected from kalaks.

"Ghouls typically emit energy on different wavelengths. If you study them long enough they act like a fingerprint. Each ghoul emits a unique combination of some subset of the 732 energy strands in distinct ratios," said the Doctor. He held up the compression pistol. "This gives me an imprint of the Penguin's psychic DNA."

"So... tell us where he is," said Alyssa.

The Doctor sighed. "It's not that easy. For one thing, he touched this weapon two weeks ago. When I scan it with this," he held up a device, "I detect 38 distinct energy patterns. A typical ghoul generated anywhere between 68 and 134 energy patterns. But the signal degrades over time. Even what's picked up by my satellites may be hours or days old; in other words, where ghouls were, but not necessarily where they are now."

"What are you saying, Doctor?" Alanna asked.

"This," he held up the compression pistol, "Will give us a start. I can narrow down some of the possibilities. But before we can find out where the Penguin is now, we'll need to get at least three or more samples of where he was. I have to find out the rest of the missing elements of his psychic DNA before I can trace him effectively."

"Then that is what we will do," said Alanna. She stared at the globe, in horror, but also in admiration. "It is amazing what you have built here, Doctor."

"Necessity is the engine of innovation," said the Doctor.
​

********​

The Doctor looked approvingly as Sophie stood in the classic firing stance, exactly as he had taught her. Her arms were locked, her gaze level, and her feet were wide apart. Her firm round ass cheeks bulged out of the back of her antiquated denim pants she liked to wear.

The Doctor pointed to a glowing container on the other side of the lab. "That is psychic energy."

"You mean a kalak?" Alanna asked. This Doctor seemed capable of more and more incredible wonders! Her regret only deepened that the Circle had ordered his death after the Penguin was dealt with. He was clearly an incredible man.

"Not quite," said the Doctor. "Psychic energy created by these generators," he said, pointing to massive machinery against the wall.

The Doctor's jaw dropped open, but it was all Alanna. "Incredible, Doctor!"

"Thank you," said the Doctor, and Alanna realized this was the first time he had ever responded overtly to any of her compliments. "But the demonstration is not about that. This demonstration is about this. Let her rip, Sophie!"

Sophie took a deep breath, and fired. A bolt of energy shot out of her pistol and hit the glowing container of psychic energy. There was a cascade of dueling energy bolts, and then the container was suddenly clear.

"What is this weapon?" Alanna asked.

The Doctor took the weapon from Sophie's slender hands. She smiled at him as their fingers briefly touched. "This," said the Doctor, holding it up, "Is an Infinite Infinity Repeater."

"Infinite Infinity Repeater?" said Alyssa. "Isn't that extremely repetitive, Doctor?"

"Quite right, my dear," said the Doctor. "And when you in your free time come up with your own weapon which can vaporize ghouls, you can name it anything you like. Perhaps you'll call it 'Love'. Or maybe 'Carrot Sticks'."

Sophie snorted and hid a grin.

Alanna looked at the still smoking container. "Doctor... what does this device do to human flesh? What happens if you shoot it at a kalak while he is inside a host?"

"The device is designed to attack energy, not physical matter," said the Doctor. "But there has been some... bleedthrough."

"You have killed people, along with kalaks?"

"Sometimes," said the Doctor. "Believe me, they were better off for it."

The horror that Alanna felt was perfectly reflected in Alyssa Kleinberg's face.
​

*********​

The Doctor was taking a bathroom break.

"It feels so odd to be in the body of a man," said Alanna, as the Doctor relieved himself into the mask which covered the head of his penis.

"Thank you for reminding me of your presence at this intensely private moment," said the Doctor, as warm yellow fluid evacuated from the slit at the tip of his male sex organ.

"I'm sorry, Doctor," said Alanna. "It's just... I've never been in the body of a man before." She tried not to look down at his penis, and failed.

"It must be exciting for you," said the Doctor dryly. "How does it feel?"

"I'm not sure," said Alanna. "It all feels so... remote."

"What do you mean?"

"Normally when I'm in the body of Alyssa, I feel everything going through her. With you, I also feel things, but it's... distant, somehow. As if you're far away, or separated in a way I don't quite understand," said Alanna.

"It must be very disturbing for you. I sympathize with your plight," said the Doctor, as he finished relieving himself. The mask over his organ pulled back, and a heat beam shone on the head of his penis and evaporated stray droplets.

"Do you intend to bring Sophie with us on this mission?" Alanna asked.

"Yes." The Doctor put away his penis inside his old fashioned cotton trousers. He moved to the sink, and let it wash his hands.

"It could be dangerous."

"Leaving her alone her could be even more dangerous, especially know that you ghouls know the location of my base."

"We would never hurt her, Doctor." Only you, when the Penguin has been dealt with, Alanna thought.

"How comforting," said the Doctor.

"In any event, I do not think it would be possible to leave her behind. The two of you are clearly inseparable," said Alanna.

"What does that mean?" the Doctor asked, as he looked at himself in the holographic mirror.

"Only that she cares for you deeply," said Alanna.

"I raised her," said the Doctor, waggling his eyebrows in the mirror. "I took care of her from the age of 10. It is only natural."

"Only natural," Alanna agreed.

"You said that Alyssa could detect ghouls at short range. We'll definitely need to bring her along too," said the Doctor.

"I said she sometimes could," said Alanna. "And why do we need her? You obviously have technology which can detect kalaks more efficiently than we can."

"You mean this?" The Doctor held up his kalak scanner. "It only works at a distance of one inch."

"One inch? How can that be? Doctor, you have satellites which can detect psychic energy from Earth's orbit."

"Yes, I do," said the Doctor. "And it wasn't long before I created a handhold model which should have been able to detect ghouls at several hundred feet."

"Should have?"

"It didn't work. It was always giving false positives," said the Doctor. He shook his head. "Sophie claimed she was able to get it to work once or twice, but I could never get it to work properly. The only way I could get it to work was to radically reduce its range to one inch."

"But... that's preposterous! If you can detect psychic energy from thousands of miles away, you should able to detect it a few feet away!"

"Should, yes. Can, no." The Doctor looked into the mirror. "A mystery is only a mystery until we get smart enough to shake science by the throat until it gives us the answers we want it to." He looked himself in the eye. "Shall we go?"
​