Fantasy Starship Gods

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The God Samuel and the Goddess Pamela​

"What the FUCK are you doing?"

Samuel had been going on an early morning walk with Pam, accompanied by a Tollah named Tarsis and some of his assistant Tollahs. Samuel had taken an instant dislike to Tarsis. With his shifty eyes and hunched shoulders, he seemed ready made to play a villain on a holovision serial.

They had been walking around Argolis, getting a sense of the lay of the land, when they heard screams coming from within a farm house. When they had entered, they found a man whipping a woman, who was presumably his wife. Samuel took the whip away from him.

"I asked you a question," said Samuel, anger in his eyes as he saw the woman, half naked, with whip scars on her back.

"My Lord," said the man, dropping to his knees. "I was welcoming in the new day."

Samuel couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You call whipping your wife welcoming in the new day?"

The past few days hadn't been easy. They had brokered a peace, of sorts, between the Divine and the Devout followers of Sparticus. Samuel was acclaimed as the Great Black God, and he and Pam were given the keys to the largest Palace of Sparticus in Argolis.

But all smiles disappeared the next day, when Samuel held a group meeting of all Tollahs in the Slaughterhouse of Sparticus, and announced some new rules.

"All right, everyone listen up!" Samuel had said. "There's a new sheriff in town, and we're going to do things a little differently. Starting immediately, there are to be no more killing of third children."

"But they are evil!" High Tollah Sandros had cried.

"How do you know that?" Samuel had asked.

"Because the Book of Sparticus-"

"How do you know that?" Samuel demanded. "Did you ever let one of those third babies grow up to see if they became evil?"

"No," said Sandros. "But the Book says-"

"The Book talks about a man slaughtering his fucking third cow. And you assholes somehow managed to turn that into a hard and fast rule about killing every third baby." And Samuel had actually clapped. "Congratulations! You're so brilliant!"

The Tollahs had looked at each other, not understanding sarcasm.

"Third born babies are not evil. They are normal people like you-" he almost added, 'and me', but stopped himself just in time. "Just like all of you. They are not to be harmed. If I find out that anyone is killing their babies, they should fear my wrath, for I shall smite them down with extreme prejudice."

His black eyes were as hard as flint. Samuel's voice echoed throughout the slaughterhouse like thunder. The Tollahs recoiled in fear.

"Next item," said Samuel. "You are no longer to execute people for heresy."

"No more executions?" said Petros, making a face.

"You'll have to find another way to get your kicks," said Samuel.

"But, your Holy Blackness, they are heretics," said Petros.

"They are confused people, and must be taught to think better," said Samuel.

"Taught?" Petros screwed up his face.

"When you bash a man's head in with a club, do you know what you get?" Samuel asked. Petros looked confused. "Anyone?" Samuel asked, addressing the Tollahs kneeling before him.

"You get brains on a stick," said Samuel. "Ain't nobody gonna learn nothing from that. But follow me in a theoretical thought experiment, everyone. What if instead of bashing a heretic's skull in with a club, you try to teach him the errors of his ways?"

The Tollahs started to talk among themselves. This was a revolutionary thought they hadn't before considered!

"Yes," said Samuel. "People can be taught. People can change."

"Even heretics?" Petros asked, sounding unsure.

"Even heretics," said Samuel.

"We will try," said Petros, not sounding enthusiastic.

Samuel gave him a pointed stare. "Just make sure you don't fail. I want an honest effort here. Now, we have one more matter to discuss."

A groan went up from the assembled Tollahs.

"What? Am I asking too much in one session? The end of executions, and semi-random infanticide?" Samuel asked. "Let's try to stretch ourselves just a tiny bit more before quitting for lunch. From here on, I want no child to be touched by their father. I want no more sex with kids."

"Black God, it is not sex," High Tollah Sandros assured him. "It is welcoming young women-"

Samuel interrupted them. "Not sex? Tell me, do the fathers stick their big daddy penises in their little girls' vaginas?"

Sandros stopped talking.

"Your God asked you a question," said Samuel. The room was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

"Yes, Lord, but-"

"No buts," said Samuel. "Are you married, High Tollah?"

"Yes, Lord," said Sandros.

"Let's say I banged your wife," said Samuel, being deliberately crude.

"Banged, Lord?" said Sandros, looking confused.

"Had sex with her. To welcome her into womanhood."

"But... Lord... Antissa is already a woman," said Sandros.

"Then I would celebrate the anniversary of her welcoming into womanhood," said Samuel, anger in his eyes. "Would that please you?"

Sandros considered. Then he said, "If my Lord, my Black God, wanted to favor my wife, I would be honored-"

"Sorry, wrong question," said Samuel. "What if another man wanted to favor your wife? Would you like that?'

"No, my Lord!"

"What if another man wanted to favor your daughters, or your mother? Would you like that?"

"No, my Lord! But this is different! This is a holy ceremony-"

"No longer," said Samuel, his eyes hard. "Any man who 'welcomes' his daughter in this way will be most severely punished."

"Will you send them to the Womanless Forest?" Petros asked.

"Yes, the Womanless Forest," said Samuel. "But first I will cut off their nuts and make them eat it."

"Nuts, Black God?" Petros asked.

"Their dicks. Their schlongs. The thing they use to honor their daughter. I'll cut them off and make them watch as the animals of the Womanless Forest eat their junk for breakfast."

The Tollahs gasped.

"So we're not going to have any more welcoming of young girls, are we?" Samuel asked.

"No, Lord!" said Sandros.

"Good," said Samuel. He caught Pam's eye for a moment, and saw her nod, trying to restrain a smile.

They thought they had civilized these people. But they learned civilizing takes more than a single speech. There were so many layers of barbarism to unravel. They never dreamed that men whipped their wives every day to "welcome in the new day". But Samuel and Pam had just stumbled across a man doing just that.

"My Lord," said the man, dropping to his knees in front of his wife, who had scars on her back. "I was welcoming in the new day."

Samuel couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You call whipping your wife welcoming in the new day?" He took a step forward, shaking with disbelief.

Tarsis intervened, putting his body between Samuel and the man. "My Lord, do you not remember the passage in the Good Book where Sparticus rose, and saw the beautiful sun, and summoned his wife, Maja, and put his hand upon her, to help them welcome the new day? Men whip their women to prove to the Gods that they are good and righteous husbands, and to show they honor the Gods in every way."

Samuel looked at Tarsis as if he had just turned pink and grown ears and a trunk like an elephant, and glared at him. "That is the most FUCKED UP explanation I have ever heard in my life."

Pam winced and raised her eyebrows. But she was shocked by what she saw too.

"Lord?" Tarsis said tentatively.

"This is FUCKED UP. As in 'crazy'," said Samuel. "Maybe you're not familiar with those words because they're not in the Good Book. But I FULLY INTEND to acquaint you with them." He turned to the man, who was obediently still on his knees. "You are not to touch your wife ever again."

"My Lord?"

Samuel suddenly realized what he was saying. Had he just ordered the man never to have sex with his wife ever again? As a God, he had to be careful to be careful in what he said. "I mean, you're not to touch her with a whip. You are not to beat her."

The man looked perplexed. "Then... how am I to welcome in the new day?"

Samuel and Pam exchanged horrified glances. Samuel bit his lip, trying to figure out what to tell the man. Obviously, he wasn't a bad fellow. He had just been inculcated with bad traditions.

"Try kissing her and making her a cup of coffee. Trust me, she'll like it better," said Samuel.

The man looked confused, but slowly nodded.

They left the man's home, still shocked by what they had seen. "So every man beats his wife every morning?" Samuel asked Tarsis.

"Unless the man's arm is sore," said Tarsis.

"Of course," said Samuel sarcastically. He and Pam exchanged another set of horrified glances.

They kept walking. But they hadn't even shaken the images of the whipping from their minds when they heard new screams, from another home. But these screams were different. They were a child's scream.

"That better not be the sound of a child being raped," said Samuel, gripping his iron "walking stick" tightly. He rushed into the house.

The sight here was different. Samuel found a room full of women, holding down a young girl.

"No, no, I don't want it!" the little girl screamed. She looked to be perhaps 11 or 12 years old.

"What's going on here?" Samuel demanded.

"Black God!" one of the women cried. They all fell to their knees, trembling at his awesome Blackness.

Samuel glared at the kneeling women. "I said, what's going on here?"

One of the women stood up. "My lord, Mashenta has just come of age."

Of age? But Samuel had just outlawed child Ra*e yesterday two days ago. But wait, there were no men here. Only women.

"Wait a minute, this is not some lesbian thing, is it?" he said, looking at the women as he tried to figure out what was going on.

"Lord?" said the woman, looking confused.

"What is it you intend to do to this child?" Samuel asked.

"We were simply going to celebrate her ascension to womanhood, by giving her the holy bore worm."

"Oh, well, that explains everything," said Samuel. "The holy bore worm." He and Pam mockingly exchanged knowing glances.

The woman visibly relaxed.

And then Samuel exploded. "Now will you kindly explain just WHAT THE FUCK YOU RUG MUNCHERS ARE DOING TO THIS POOR GIRL?" he yelled, at the top of his voice, so loudly that even Pam jumped.

Everyone in the room was startled, and those still on the ground clung to it even more tightly.

"My Lord," Tarsis began.

"Can you explain this? Because I FUCKING hope you can," said Samuel.

"Yes, my Lord," said Tarsis, trembling. "As you know, according to the Book of Sparticus, a girl who makes the transition to womanhood must be kept pure."

"Kept pure. And that means what, precisely?" Samuel asked.

"She is given the bore worm, my lord. It resides in her newly activated pleasure zone."

"You don't have a word for clitoris, do you? No, I'll bet you don't," said Samuel.

Tarsis looked confused. "It burrows in around this pleasure zone, forming a tight circle. Whenever it is touched, it causes mild discomfort to the woman. This discourages her from mating until she is ready to take a husband."

"And the men. Do they have pain worms wrapped around their dicks that do the same thing?" Samuel asked.

Tarsis squinted. "If I understand my Lord correctly... no."

"I see," said Samuel.

"The worm is removed by the judicious use of hot needles when the female is ready to marry," said Tarsis. "There are no lasting effects, except for occasional scarring and minor discomfort-"

"You know, when I came here, I thought you were all sons of bitches," said Samuel, almost conversationally, as if he were talking about the latest golf scores, to a friend. "I said to myself, 'These people are so incredibly fucked up. They are real sons of bitches.' But after I thought that, I cooled down a bit, and wondered if maybe I had been too harsh. Maybe you all weren't as bad as I first thought. But no, now I realize that my first thought was absolutely correct. You really are ALL FUCKING INSANE SONS OF BITCHES!"

"My Lord!" said Tarsis, quaking as he got to his knees, not fully understanding the words, but comprehending the tone.

Pam grabbed Samuel's hand. "My Lord, please show some mercy," she said, seeking out his eyes with her own.

Samuel looked in Pam's eyes, and something in them cooled some of the fire in his own. Calming, he nodded.

"I'd like to see these worms," said Samuel quietly.

The woman held out a jar, which Samuel took. In them Samuel saw worms with sharp ringed edges. They looked incredibly nasty.

"My Lord, it must be done," said Tarsis.

"Must it?" said Samuel. "And if I outlaw it?"

"It is written in the Book. It cannot be outlawed," said Tarsis.

"Well, we can't go against the Book, can we? Let justice be done, I say," said Samuel. He turned to two of Tarsis's own men. "Hold him."

Immediately, Tarsis's men held his arms. "My Lord, what is this?" Tarsis asked.

"I'm just following the Good Book," said Samuel. With one, he casually reached over and pulled down Tarsis's pants. Everyone gasped. Tarsis had a very small penis, much smaller than the common folk would have expected, for a Tollah.

Samuel opened the jar full of bore worms, and tipped it against Tarsis's penis.

"No, my Lord!"

"But it will confirm your virtue," said Samuel.

He shook several of the worms out. They immediately clung to Tarsis's penis, and started to burrow into the skin. "Noooo!" Tarsis screamed, as one of them punctured his testicle sack, and disappeared inside. Pamela watched in fascinated horror, unable to look away, as another one of the disgusting creatures slowly wormed its way into the slit at the end of his penis. Tarsis cried out even louder as it disappeared inside.

"Not very painful, I was told," said Samuel. "Perhaps I was misinformed. Oh well, you can always remove those with hot needles. I hear they leave only minimal scarring."

He turned to one of Tarsis's men. "Tell the High Tollahs I want a meeting of all the Tollahs, immediately."

"When, Black God?"

"Immediately. As in, RIGHT NOW," said Samuel. He tossed the worms back to the woman. "If I even hear a hint of a rumor that this girl has a worm inside of her, I'm going to strip you all naked, hold you upside down, and drop a dump truck of these over your spread out twat. Do you dig me?"

"Yes, Black God!" they said as one.

"Good."

As they walked outside, Pam whispered, "Wasn't what you did to him kind of... extreme?"

"Wasn't what they were doing to that little girl, and who knows how many little girls, also 'kind of extreme'?" Samuel asked.

"I suppose so," said Pam.

"There's only one thing these people understand," said Samuel. "And that's force."

"You're very good at that," said Pam.

Samuel looked at her with his firm black eyes, but said nothing. Was she mocking him?

As they walked back to the center of town, a little girl ran up to them on stubby legs.

"Black God! Black God!" She cried.

Samuel stopped, and looked at the little girl. She couldn't have been more than seven years old.

"You're the Black God?" she asked.

"I guess so," said Samuel. He looked at Pam, who winced. "I mean, of course, yes."

"My Mommie says that you aren't a God."

"Why not?" Samuel asked, bending down to get to eye level with the little girl. She was so cute!

"Mommie says Gods can't be Black," the little girl explained.

Pam waited for an explosion. But the inherent cuteness of the girl seemed to avoid setting Samuel off.

"Did she?" he simply said, his expression unreadable.

"Yes," said the little girl, unaware of the mine field she was walking through. "So, I was thinking...."

"Yes?" said Samuel, interested in what else might come out of this little munchkin's mouth.

"If you're not a God, does that make you God's black friend?" the girl asked, squinting, with a hand idly playing with her hair.

Pam looked at Samuel, fearing the worst. Samuel stared hard at the girl for a moment. But then he broke out into a smile. And then a laugh. A deep, loud roar. And then he pat the girl on the head, and said. "That's exactly right, my dear. I'm God's black friend."

She smiled back at him.

They were gathered in the largest shrine in Argolis. All the Tollahs, from both factions, and of course the High Tollahs Petros and Sandros. Tarsis couldn't make it, he was busy being seen by a healer. Pam still couldn't get the image out of her head of Tarsis screaming as that disgusting worm slithered into the slit at the tip of his penis. That really must have hurt!

Samuel addressed the crowd of Tollahs, barely containing his anger.

"It's come to my attention that there are even more activities in violation of the Book of Sparticus than I first thought," said Samuel. "At first, I thought that prohibitions on child Ra*e, child mur*er, and executions for heresy would cover the major inhumanities that you guys were so fond of. But I realize there is a lot more going on. A whole lot more."

The Tollahs were watching him, hanging onto his every word.

"So what we're going to do is get our heads together and reform some of the worst practices of the Book of Sparticus."

"Worst practices of the Holy Book?" said High Tollah Petros. "That's a contradiction in terms."

"All right. Let's not call them worst practices. Let's call them worst interpretations," said Samuel. "As of now, we're going to stop beating our wives every morning."

"Preposterous!" said High Tollah Sandros. "You would have us act like savages!"

"And we're going to stop putting bore worms in little girls's twats," said Samuel.

"You would have us dishonor our daughters?" said Petros. "Intolerable!"

"We will not stand for this! We are honorable, decent men!" said Sandros. "You would turn us into savages!"

"I can see that change is not going to be easy. What we need, I think, is some fresh perspective," said Samuel. "Therefore, you, High Tollah Petros, and you, High Tollah Sandros, are now officially retired."

"Retired? You can't retire us!" said Sandros.

"I beg your pardon?" said Samuel, staring intently at them, with those menacing black eyes of his.

Both of them fell silent.

"I thought so," said Samuel. "I expect you both to accept retirement immediately. A very quiet retirement, if you know what I mean. I think you do."

"And who will replace them?" asked one of the Tollahs.

"A very good question," said Samuel, who had been thinking of nothing else ever since he saw the woman being whipped this morning. He took a deep breath. "I propose a council of Tollahs. Of enlightened Tollahs who are open to new ways," said Samuel.

He stared at the gathered Tollahs. "I am now going to ask you all a series of questions. Those of you who would answer any question in the affirmative, with a yes, please come and stand by me."

"Question number one. Do you have accept my ban on whipping women senseless every morning?"

"Question number two. Do you agree that little girls shouldn't be raped by their dads?"

"Question number three...."

One by one, a number of Tollahs started to come and stand by Samuel. When he was done asking his questions, perhaps 20 of the Tollahs were standing by him.

20, out of a total of over 200 Tollahs. And not even all of these agreed with him on every issue.

For a moment, Samuel regarded the Tollahs who joined his side. Samuel was sure that some of them were not eager converts to his causes, but opportunists. He asked them no questions, but simply looked at their faces, and, using his gut instinct, picked out eight of them. One of them was Esok, the Tollah they had met on their very first day.

"You eight will be my council of advisors," said Samuel. "More importantly, you will also be responsible for carrying out my edicts. If I discover that my edicts are not being carried out, you will all get one way tickets to the Womanless Forest, and self-delivered handjobs will be your only source of satisfaction for an eternity. Do you all dig me?"

They nodded.

"Good. Meeting adjourned."

Mercifully, Pam and Samuel could escape the pressures of their role in the Palace. The Tollahs had arranged for a staff to feed and take care of them. One of Samuel's top priorities was to vet them, to make sure that the chef wasn't inclined to put poison in his chicken soup and his wardrobe governess wouldn't stab him in the back as he put on his clothes every morning.

After a mostly quiet dinner, Samuel retired to his bedroom. He was surprised to find not one, but two beds in there now. And then Pam came in, and lay down on the second one.

"Do you really think your new Council of Tollahs is going to work?" Pam asked conversationally, as if it was normal for her bed to have gotten up out of her own room on its own little feet and walked into his own bedroom.

"How did your bed suddenly get into my bedroom?" Samuel asked.

"Do you think the Tollahs you picked can be trusted?"

"Your bed wasn't in my bedroom this morning. I'm sure I would have noticed," said Samuel.

"It's just that everything is so tense," said Pam, wringing her hands. "I just feel safer... sleeping near you." She looked up at him with pleading in her eyes.

"We'll hire some guards, they'll make you feel much safer," said Samuel. Actually, that wasn't a bad idea. Once he figured out who he could trust.

"But... can I sleep here with you?" Pam persisted, batting her eyelashes at him.

"In the same room? Really?" Samuel still couldn't quite believe it.

"I would just sleep better at night," said Pam.

"All right," said Samuel. "But be warned. I'm a very light sleeper. Anything that touches me at night, dies."

Pam lay back in her bed with a big smile, casually thrusting out her pert breasts. She smiled when she saw Samuel glance at them, and then he quickly looked away when he saw that she saw what he was looking at. "Do you really think this Council of Tollahs will work?" she asked again.

"Of course not," said Samuel. "These fuckers all have their minds made up."

Pam looked confused. "Then why...."

"We have to start somewhere. Maybe we'll convince one of them. It would be a start."

Pam stretched her arms as she reclined in her bed and smiled at him. Her bed was about 10 feet away from Samuel's. There was something about her smile that made him frown. "Remind me tomorrow to have some land mines put between our beds."​