Romance The Story of My Telepathic Life

Randall Tran was a short, thin Asian man who wore a dark suit and a dark tie. He reminded me of the Chinese Rustabunny, who had slanted eyes and ate with chopsticks. Mr. Stanton introduced me and Linda. "Robert, you know Linda, my chief strategist."

"Of course," said Tran. He kissed Linda on the cheek, which startled me. I wondered if that mean that she would be polishing his armor later.

"And this is Benny Johnson, my newest analyst."

"Benny." Tran smiled as he shook my hand. "Nice to meet you. What is your area?"

What is my area? Linda never told me I would have to answer questions! "I deliver lunches on the Upper East Side."

"Haha, Benny is such a joker," said Stanton. "He's one of our finest tech analysts."

"Really? What is your speciality, Benny?"

I frowned. He was speaking words but I didn't understand what he was saying. It was like he was speaking a different language. Maybe this was the Asian language? "Vernon says I'm special."

"Vernon?"

"My Main Man," I explained.

"Benny is a savant, Randall. Brilliant, but focused. Extremely focused," said Stanton. "A genius with numbers, actually. And on the subject of numbers, Randall, any clue on what your earning report is going to contain next week?"

"I wish I could tell you, Rob. But then I'd have to kill you."

"Don't hurt him!" I cried.

"It was just a joke, Benny," said Linda.

The voice inside of Randall Tran said. This Benny is very odd. Why does Robert keep him around?

"I'm good with numbers," I said.

"What?"

"I'm good with numbers," I said. "That's why he keeps me around."

Stanton said, "On the subject of numbers, most analysts say that your earnings will come in at 28 to 29 billion. So what will it be, Randall? 28, 29, 30... 31... or even 32 or 33?"

"You know I can't tell you that, Rob," said Randall.

"32!" I yelled.

"What?" said Randall.

"Benny does computations in his head. It keeps him occupied," said Linda. "He has the mind of a supercomputer. Come along, Benny."

"A supercomputer." I liked that! "I have a mind of a supercomputer." I wondered what a supercomputer was--perhaps a computer that was really, really super? As Linda led me away, I heard Randall's little voice saying, how did he guess it was 32 billion?

"Benny, are you sure that Randall thought the number 32?"

"Well, the little voice inside of him-"

"Yes, Benny, the little voice. Was it clearly saying 32 billion?"

"Yes," I said.

Linda looked at Stanton.

"The stock is going to go through the roof."

This was a very easy job! They didn't even need me every evening like Carlo did at the Happy Fun Entertainment Center. I might have gone back there, to see if Carlo needed more numbers and letters to be counted, and to see if Savannah was there and possibly interested in polishing my armor again, but Linda had told me that they didn't want me working there anymore.

But Linda did take me back to Mr. Stanton's office next week. They were holding a little party in his office. Everyone was quite happy.

"Do you know how much money you made me, Benny? Do you?" he asked, with a big smile.

I tried to guess. The voice inside of him was unavailing. I figured it must be a lot. If I was being paid 600 credits an hour, it must be at least... "601 credits?"

"601 credits? 601 credits?" Stanton gave a laugh. "Let's have a toast for our mathematical genius!" Everyone raised wine glasses and clinked them together.

Linda asked me if I'd like some wine. I told her that Vernon My Main Man said that dependable men like me didn't drink wine but I would like some grape or apple juice if they had some. They did, and soon I was sipping with the best of them, and feeling very grand.

Just a few short weeks ago I was a simple food delivery boy (and actually, during the day, I still was). But now I was so much more. I was drinking apple juice out of fancy wine glasses with fancily dressed people on a high floor of a very shiny building!

Linda smiled and actually winked at me. I wonder if she would be polishing my armor any time soon. I had only had a woman polish my armor once, but I had quickly become addicted to it.

My Main Man Vernon noticed my gold belt. Linda bought it for me after I told her I wanted a gold belt exactly like the one the Silver Rustabunny wore. Yes, that's right, it was the Silver Rustabunny which wore the gold belt. There is a popular misconception that the Gold Rustabunny wore the gold belt but that is ridiculous because if the Gold Rustabunny wore a gold belt you'd never see it. That's why the Silver Rustabunny wears gold. The belt Linda bought for me was not exactly like the Silver Rustabunny's gold belt but it was very nice. Linda said it was expensive. I asked if it cost more than 600 credits, and she said it was much, much more than that.

"601 credits?" I asked. She laughed and kissed me on the cheek. I think she was definitely getting ready to polish my armor. I realized that even though I couldn't really see her Big Floppy Things that she was quite pretty in her own way, in a way Savannah wasn't but not in a way I could put into words. Linda had every hair on her head neatly arranged and she wore fancy striped suits and I could much more easily imagine her polishing the armor of another man in a fancy business suit than polishing the armor of a man at the Happy Fun Entertainment Center.

I told my Main Man that Linda bought the belt for me and that started a whole new conversation where I explained my new job.

"And what are they asking you to do for this gold belt, Benny?"

I explained I was telling them numbers that other people were talking about with their little voices.

"With their little voices, eh?" said Vernon. "Benny, what you're doing is wrong."

"What's wrong with it?" I asked.

"You're telling people things, private things they shouldn't be knowing."

"But if they wanted these things to be private, why do they talk about them in their little voices?"

Vernon sighed. "Benny, your Aunt Clara asked me to look after you before she Went Away. I'm doing the best I can. Trust me on this, you shouldn't be doing this."

I bit my lip. Linda and Robert Stanton had been so nice to me. They were paying me 600 credits an hour and they had bought me a suit and a belt made of solid gold and had given me apple juice in a very fancy wine glass. But Aunt Clara said I should listen to Vernon My Main Man after she Went Away and so I guess I would have to stop working for them. And I never even got to find out if Linda would polish my armor!

And so it was with a heavy heart that I told Linda that I couldn't work for them anymore. She had called to invite me to another party, an important party, which was being held three days later. I told her I couldn't go, and asked if she wanted the gold belt back.

"No, Benny. What changed your mind?"

I explained that Vernon My Main Man told me that what I was doing was wrong and I shouldn't go.

Linda said that she respected that but to think about it and if I changed my mind to let her know. I promised her I would but I had a sinking feeling that Linda would never polish my armor now.

The next day Vernon My Main Man was not in at work. I was surprised; Vernon never missed a day. Mr. Anderson always said that Vernon worked harder than a sober Jamaican. The next day, however, Vernon did come to work, and his arm was bandaged and he had bruises around his left eye. I asked him what had happened.

He told me that he had tripped and fell. I knew immediately that this was not true because Vernon's little voice was telling me that men had come and hurt Vernon. They had punched and kicked him in a very bad way.

And then Vernon told me that he was wrong to tell me not to work for Linda and Robert Stanton, and if I still wanted to, that I should.

"Are you sure, Vernon?"

He nodded, wincing slightly. "I'm sure."

I considered everything that I had seen and heard. Vernon My Main Man had obviously been beaten badly. Somehow the beating had changed his mind about whether I should be working for Robert Stanton. I hypothesized that the pain of being beaten had helped Vernon realize the mistake he had made. Aunt Clara once said to me that pain was a great teacher and it looked like Vernon had learned a whole lot.

So I called Linda and told her I could work for Mr. Stanton again... and could I still keep the gold belt?

She assured me that I could.

The thing they wanted me to do at this party was tougher. Much tougher. I think getting beaten up like Vernon would have been easier. I almost asked if they could do that to me instead.

Linda and Mr. Stanton didn't just want me to tell them a number. They wanted me to tell them a thing. They were going to talk to a woman named Pramilla Jamilla and they wanted to find out what she was working on. What she was working on would be a thing, not a number. I knew what things were--Rustabunny was a thing. My gold belt was a thing. Vernon My Main Man's drug pipe was a thing. But how did I know which thing that Pramilla Jamilla would be thinking of would be important?

Linda squeezed my hand and assured me I would do well. But her inner voice wasn't so sure. We shouldn't have gotten a simple boy involved. He's sweet, and I worry that he'll get hurt.

I was so very pleased. Linda thought I was sweet! I really was beginning to think that she was going to polish my armor. She didn't have Big Floppy Things like Savannah did, at least, not as big, but I imagined they would look reasonably nice. If Linda had the same red round sores on the tip, perhaps I could rub ointment in them for her.

We met Pramilla Jamilla. She was dark skinned like Vernon My Main Man but not dark skinned in a way that mattered. Vernon My Main Man told me that being dark skinned was good but being black was more important. I don't think Pramilla Jamilla was black because she looked more like Mrs. Jasmati the cleaning lady. Mrs. Jasmati wore a sheet that covered her head and her body. Vernon My Main Man said that was because she didn't want men to ask her to polish their armor. I didn't understand this. Why wouldn't men want her to polish her armor all because of a sheet-

"-and this is Benny Johnson, my newest analyst".

"Hello Benny," said Pramilla Jamilla.

I didn't say anything. Linda had told me that this time I wasn't to speak.

Linda kicked my foot. "Benny, say hello."

"You told me not to say anything!" I said.

"Hahaha, Benny's a real joker," said Stanton. "Listen, Pram old girl. Everyone is dying to know what your company is working on."

"You'll find out when everyone else does, when the announcement comes out next week," said Jamilla.

They engaged in a long and confusing conversation about things I didn't even understand. Linda saw the confusion on my face and she clearly felt sorry for me as she squeezed my hand. He really shouldn't be here. We never should have got him involved with this.

That only made me want to try harder. Pramilla's mind was a jumble of things... of the rice she was having for dinner... of beating her wife because she talked back to her... of her new ladyfriend sitting in a fancy car she had bought her... and something about an elevator of some kind.... Which one of these things could be the one that Linda and Stanton were looking for?

After they finished talking, Linda took me to an empty room. "All right, Benny, what was the thing?"

I shrugged, just as Stanton came in. "Did he get it?"

"I'm not sure," said Linda. He doesn't know.

I felt so sad for Linda that I just knew I had to try harder. "Her little voice was talking about a lot of things." I said, hoping one was what they were looking for. "Eating rice... hitting her wife in the face.... a new car she bought for a woman... riding an elevator...."

Stanton stamped his foot into the ground. "Benny, those weren't what we were looking for! I read a list of projects aloud. Which one did she react to?"

"I don't know."

Stanton slammed his fist into his palm. "What good is he?"

"Robert! He's just a boy!" Linda cried. "You're asking too much of him!"

I liked the way Linda defended me. But I wasn't just a boy. I was a 27 year old man. Vernon My Main Man says that boys didn't polish their own armor, that when they got older they got women to do it for them. Savannah had polished my armor, which made me a man.

"We have to find out what she's working on!" He paused. "I suppose we could talk to her again, and try again."

"And read off the same list of projects and sees which one Benny reacts to? No, Robert, that will look even more suspicious," said Linda. "Listen, it worked better with earning reports. Benny is good with numbers. Why don't we-"

"Elevators," I said.

"What, Benny?" said Linda.

"Elevators," I said. "The little voice inside of her. When she wasn't thinking of hitting her wife, the little voice inside of her thought of elevators."

"Elevators?"

I frowned. "Something like the Rustabunny elevators. Things that go up and down."

"Things that go up and down." Robert thought a moment, then his eyes went wide. "Do you mean Quantum Lifts, Benny?"

I looked confused a bit, then nodded.

"Quantum Lifts? She's really pulled it off? That would be incredible! Are you sure, Benny?"

"Well, I don't remember exactly what she said, but it did remind me of Rustabunny elevators-"

"It is Quantum Lifts! The stock price will break the sky!" He hugged Linda, and then he even hugged me. I never had a man hug me before, except once when Aunt Clara went away and Vernon My Main Man hugged me. But Vernon warned me not to let other men hug me because they might want me to polish their armor. I wondered if Mr. Stanton expected me to polish his armor now.

"Can I take him home now?"

"Yes, Linda, take him home." He went over and whispered something to her. I couldn't hear what he said, but I heard his little voice quite clearly.

Make him happy, Linda.

I'm not your whore, Rob!

No one said you were. But he's just made us hundreds of millions. I want him kept happy. Please baby, do it for me.

All right.

Linda came up to me and said, "Are you ready to go home now, Benny?"

I wasn't surprised when Linda followed me inside my apartment. I knew that Stanton had told her to make me happy. I tried to think of all the things which would make me happy. Getting a second gold belt. Watching a new season of Rustabunny. Hearing Mrs. Fishbien's little voice thank me as I pushed her wheelchair. Having My Main Man slap my hand in the air. And polishing my armor. I concluded that last option was most likely.

Linda stood as still as stone for a long moment.

"Are you here to polish my armor, Linda?" I asked.

She looked at me with a blank expression. "Yes, Benny. That's exactly what I'm here to do."

Her face was still blank as she took off her jacket, even as she took off her shirt. She still had this thing on with cups and straps but I could begin to see her Big Floppy Things. They weren't so big, which was a little disappointing. Linda reached behind herself and did something, and the thing with the cups and straps came off.

She stared at me blankly for a long moment. I saw that her Big Floppy Things, while not as big as Savannah's, were cute in their own way. She had the big red circles on the tips, though.

"Ointment."

"What?"

"You should rub ointment in them," I said, pointing to her tips. "The doctor gave me ointment for a sore spot inside my behind. It made it go away."

"Oh, of course," said Linda, looking down at herself. She was frowning now, even as she started working on the fastening of her pants.

"Linda, after you polish my armor, can we watch Rustabunny together?"

Linda froze with her hands still on her pants fastener.

"Savannah polished my armor but wouldn't watch Rustabunny with me."

I can't do this! the little voice inside her said. It's wrong!

"What 's wrong?" I asked.

She looked up at me. "It's wrong that Savannah didn't watch Rustabunny with you. Would you like me to watch Rustabunny with you?"

"Sure! After you polish my armor-"

"No," she shook her head. "You have a choice, Benny. I can either polish your armor... or watch Rustabunny with you. Which would please you more?"

A good question! Which would please me more? A few weeks ago I would have said watching Rustabunny, hands down. But then Savannah came into my life and polished my armor. She polished it better than I ever could! I really wanted Linda to polish my armor. Even though her Big Floppy Things were smaller than Savannah's, much smaller, I got the feeling I would enjoy the polishing much more.

And yet.... No one had watched Rustabunny with me in years. Aunt Clara used to watch it with me before she Went Away. Vernon My Main Man watched it with me once or twice, but even My Main Man told me he "had his limits". The feeling of enjoying the show with someone else was tantalizing. An episode of Rustabunny was 22 minutes long. I estimated that Linda had polished my armor for perhaps three minutes. Watching Rustabunny gave seven times as much pleasure! Or did it? Polishing my armor, minute by minute, was worth even more than a minute of watching Rustabunny. A minute of polishing my armor might be worth two, three, even four minutes of watching Rustabunny.

I was stuck. It was so rare I was given a choice. It was so much easier at the Help Center, where My Main Man told me what to do. Then I listened to Linda's little voice. She really didn't want to polish my armor. I mean, she was willing to, but she didn't want to. Then I remembered something Vernon My Main Man once told me. He called it morality. I didn't quite know what it meant, but Vernon said we should always do the right thing for people, to help them, and we shouldn't make them do things they don't want to do.

Linda didn't really want to polish my armor... but she did. It was very confusing.

"Well, Benny?" She put her hands on her hips, making her Big Floppy Things stick out more.

"Can we do both?"

"No, Benny."

I thought furiously. "Can you half polish my armor, and we watch half an episode of Rustabunny?"

"No, Benny. Polishing your armor doesn't work that way. You have to polish all of it, or none at all."

This I understood. Once I started polishing my armor I could never stop until I was finished.

I looked at Linda, with her Big Floppy Things and the frown on her face, and said, "All right. Let's do it."

"Do it?"

"Let's watch Rustabunny."

Rustabunny wasn't actually on right now, but Linda showed me a way to see any episode I wanted at any time on my Pad, and I immediately saw the wisdom of choosing to watch Rustabunny over having Linda polish my armor. I could watch any episode at any time! That was worth five or even ten polishings of my armor!

As we sat on my tiny couch I was conscious of Linda's Big Floppy Things near me. She hadn't put her thing with cups and straps back on.

"Linda, can I touch your Big Floppy Things?"

"No, Benny."

"Linda, can I look at your Big Floppy Things?"

Poor boy! Linda actually smiled at me. "Of course you can. We can even hold hands." And she grasped mine tightly.

That was exciting!

And then we watched Rustabunny. Whenever I smiled and laughed Linda did too. She would look at me and actually smile at me! It was an incredible Rustabunny experience! And then, 22 minutes later, when the episode was over, Linda asked if I wanted to see another episode.

"Two?" My jaw dropped open.

Linda nodded.

I couldn't believe it! I nodded eagerly.

Linda actually watched THREE Rustabunny episodes with me in all. The experience was incredible. I don't think Linda's inner voice enjoyed the holocartoon like I did. But she smiled and laughed with me as I did, and I got the sense she enjoyed my enjoyment of it, if that makes any sense.

And her Big Floppy Things! They were so beautiful! I was sometimes distracted enough from the cartoon to stare at them. When I did Linda looked at me and smiled again. I smiled back.

It was a wonderful time. The best. Maybe as good as the time Savannah polished my armor, and the time we unexpectedly had Meat Loaf on World Government Submission Day at the Help Center.

When it was over, Linda got up and got dressed. She saw the hurt look in my eyes, I think, when she covered up her Big Floppy Things. When she was done, she gave me an odd look. "You're a sweet boy, Benny." And then she kissed me on the forehead!

The forehead! That, and three episodes of Rustabunny in one night.

She looked at me. "Benny, there's an event next Tuesday."

"Next Tuesday."

"I won't be coming to pick you up."

"Why not?"

"Carole will be coming to pick you up."

"Who's Carole?"

"When she comes, tell her you're sick and can't go."

"Even if I'm not sick?"

"Especially if you're not sick, Benny."

"Why?"

Linda sucked in her lips. "You shouldn't be messed up in all this Benny. It's for the best." She turned to go.

"Linda!"

She turned around.

"Are you Going Away?"

She thought a moment, and nodded. "Yes, Benny. I'm Going Away."

Carole was a woman with short dark curly hair. She came to pick me up the following Tuesday. I got into the car wearing the suit Linda bought me and my gold belt.

Why did I come, after Linda told me not to?

She was Going Away. I didn't like it when Aunt Clara Went Away. I wanted to say goodbye to Linda before she Went Away.

Carole didn't talk much. Nor did she smile like Linda. Her mind was filled with all sorts of business things I didn't understand.

When we got to Stanton's office, Linda and several other men were there.

She approached me rapidly. "Benny, what are you doing here?" she whispered.

"I wanted to say goodbye before you Went Away," I explained. "Look, I'm wearing the gold belt you bought me."

She gave me a nervous smile.

"Do you like it?"

Her eyes were downcast. "It looks great, Benny."

Mr. Stanton came over. "Benny! We have just the job for a man like you."

"What kind of man am I?" I asked.

But before he could answer, the doors burst in and a lot of people in uniforms ran into the room. There was a lot of yelling and screaming and wrestling which scared me. I ran to a table in the corner of the room and hid underneath it, wrapping my hands around my head and rocking back and forth. "No... no... no... no...."

And then two men pulled me out from under the table. I screamed and tried to bite them.

"Don't hurt him!" Linda cried.

The two men let me go. I watched as the men in uniform started to pull the pants down of Robert Stanton and his assistants. And then I watched in horror as they inserted a short black rod into their bottoms.

One of the men who had pulled me out from under the table started to pull at my pants.

"No!" I yelled, trying to fight him off.

"Stop!" said Linda, but they wouldn't listen.

Then Linda turned to someone else, a woman who seemed to be in charge. She was dressed very differently from the others. She didn't wear a uniform, but rather a very revealing dress which showed her Big Floppy Things, and tight shiny pants and high heeled boots.

"Please, get them to stop!" Linda told the woman.

"Frank, just a minute," said the woman.

The man stopped clawing at my pants. I sat on the ground, sobbing.

Linda ran to me and helped me up. "Benny, are you all right?"

I nodded, but truth be told, I wasn't really sure. I had never before been in a room where people ran in and tried to put a rod in my bottom.

Mr. Stanton yelped as the black rod was inserted into his bottom. "What's going on here?" he roared. He reached behind him to remove the rod but felt a shock of pain.

"That's an anal control rod, Mr. Stanton. I suggest you don't try to reach for it again, not without permission," said the woman.

"Who are you? What is the meaning of this?" he demanded.

"My name is Layla O'Leery. I'm an Inquisitor on special assignment to the Central Branch of New York, and you're under arrest."

"On what charge?"

"Gun running."

"Gun running?"

"Linda?" O'Leery said.

Linda handed O'Leery a Pad.

"Linda, no... what are you doing?"

"It's all there, Inquisitor," said Linda. "He's been selling compression pistols to Black White Supremacists in South Carolina."

"That's going to earn you a few decades of rehab in Pakistan, I think," said Layla.

Stanton's face went pale. "Linda, why? After all we shared...."

O'Leery put an arm around her. "Linda is a junior associate in my office. In the Inquisitor's office."

"I'm a Captain in the Social Justice Warriors Reserves," said Linda proudly, lifting her chin.

Stanton's mouth dropped open. No words came out.

"Take him away," said O'Leery. She turned to Linda. "What about the insider trading?"

"I don't know," said Linda.

"What do you mean, you don't know? We delayed lowering the boom on him so you could get the goods on it. Are you telling me he wasn't doing insider trading?"

"I... I think he was," Linda said. "But I was never able to determine where he got his information from." She licked her lips. "Look, you got him on the gun running. He'll be in Pakistan for 20 years. That's basically a life sentence. Isn't that enough?"

"I suppose," O'Leery sighed. She put her hands on her hips, with her legs wide apart, rocking slightly on her high heeled boots. "What about him?"

"Benny? He's just a gofer!"

"Really?" O'Leery gave Linda a look, the kind of look she gave me when I first asked her about polishing my armor. Maybe this woman thought that Linda was going to polish her armor for her. Did women have armor? I didn't really know for sure.

"He's simple," she whispered.

I still didn't know what simple really meant, but Linda liked me, I know, so it must have been a good thing. It meant that I was easy, I guess. Easy to watch Rustabunny with, while sitting next to me with her Big Floppy Things sticking out. A compliment, I think!

"Let me deal with him," she said.

O'leery stared at me, then back at her, and nodded.

Linda came over to me. "Benny, I'm going to have someone take you home now, all right?"

"All right," I said. "Are you going to call me about my next job for you?"

"No, Benny. There will be no more jobs here for you."

I frowned. "Then this is goodbye."

"It is."

I considered this. "So... do you want my gold belt back?"

Linda's face was unreadable. "Yes, Benny. That might be best."

And so in front of all of them I took off my gold belt and handed it to her. And then Linda kissed me on the cheek (even better than the forehead!) and someone drove me home. As I was driven home I realized that maybe I shouldn't have asked Linda if she wanted my gold belt back. Maybe I shouldn't ask people questions I might not like the answers to. It was a sobering thought.

Everything ended up well. Vernon My Main Man got me a new job in the kitchen. He said he wanted to keep a closer eye on me. And I was learning a new skill, how to cook corn off the cob and potatoes in the atomic furnace! And I even got a raise! I was now making not just three credits an hour but three and a half credits per hour!

I was working for Santiago in the kitchen. Santiago didn't speak English well but I could tell from his inner voice that he liked me. Every time I rapidly scooped some freshly nuked potatoes onto rows of plates, Santiago would smile and nod to me and I would feel good all over. And what's more, a new season of 12 episodes of Rustabunny was being broadcast, starting next month!

As I scooped potatoes out of the atomic furnace, I felt a warm glow not produced by an atomic reaction, and I realized that life was never better.​